Today was the end of my Partial Hospitalization program. I’m just amazed at how fast the last two months have gone by. When I started the program I was an absolute mess. I was experiencing mixed episodes almost every week, I was a nervous wreck and I was struggling to stay sober. I had no reason to live and I was scared shitless. Thankfully, the nurses and doctors at the hospital realized I was struggling and a week after I started the program I was transferred to the in-patient psychiatric unit (although they considered it “voluntary,” I didn’t have a choice. My doctor told me that I was going into the psych ward, because I was a danger to myself). Although I didn’t want to be hospitalized, it turned out to be a very positive and life changing experience. I spent a week in the hospital and by the time I left, my mental state was under control and I finally had the right combination of meds. This was the first time in almost a decade that I was stable and sober. I then returned to the partial hospitalization program, where I continued to work on my manic-depression.
Although I have made a lot of progress, there is one thing I still struggle with- Anxiety. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am constantly fighting with my mind. Some days are better than others, but there is this voice in my head that taunts me and tries to destroy my life. I have been struggling with this voice since high school.
I have to apologize, I can’t write anymore. Just thinking about my anxiety is causing me a lot pain (I will return to this topic sometime in the next week, because I need to get my thoughts out).
Further, I am struggling with the fact that my partial hospitalization program is over and I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no job, I can barely handle stress and I am still alone. Although I have made a lot of progress I still have my bad days which is frustrating….
I’m going to lay down and try to sleep for a few hours, hopefully that will help.