What a tiring and stressful week. Not only did I kill my macbook, but I lost control of reality and flew into a blind rage. I have cuts and bruises all over my body, holes in various walls, broken chairs and a broken psyche. I haven’t felt like this in years and I’m scared. That all happened on Wednesday. The first half of my week was actually really good. I had a chance to catch up on a lot of TV shows and old school video games. I wasn’t manic or depressed, just content. Even Wednesday started out positive…
I was sitting at my computer playing Half Life 2. Two hours past and I was starting to get tired. I paused the game and made a cup of instant coffee. Walking back to my computer, I made sure not to spill the hot coffee. Placing the cup to the left of my computer, I started playing Half Life 2 again.About 30 minutes later I hit frustrating point in the game. Angry I picked up my coffee cup and slammed it down on the table. The coffee cup exploded, as brown liquid spread all over my computer and table. I started to freak out. What the hell just happened? Oh shit, oh shit my macbook is covered in coffee. Fuck why did this happen to me? Why the fuck do I keep messing things up? Oh man, why did I get coffee all over my computer? Why Why Why. I stood there for a few minutes before I started to clean. I was in shock. Running to my kitchen I realized I was out of towels. So I turned to the next best thing- toilet paper. Although the toilet paper clumped together, I was able to sop up most of the coffee. Returning to my computer, I started testing it seeing if it was still OK. The computer still functioned, I was able to open up a browser and access Google.
However, I soon realized some of the keys were not working.
Instead of thinking rationally, I became blind with rage. I started yelling and cussing out loud. I turned to one of my chairs and threw at the wall. I kicked the next chair across the room, which turned out to be metal, causing a bright red mark around my ankle. I was furious, I was frustrated, but worst of all I was angry at myself. Running around the apartment like a madman, I was trashing everything in sight. Then in a fit of anger I punched the wall, causing all four knuckles to rip open. Blood was dripping off my hand and in a last fit of anger I threw the case to my Iphone against a wall, causing a big black mark and splattered blood.
I don’t know why, but I began to break free from the anger. Maybe it was seeing my blood on the wall and the horrible state my right hand was in, or maybe it was the realization that this “episode” was part of a larger mental problem. Looking back on Wednesday’s events, I’m still in shock that I fell apart and flew into a blind rage. It’s embarrassing. But it forces me to realize that I am not in a good place and that I need help.
Hopefully I will be moving in a few weeks. I could really use a change scenery and a new therapist. This week has been eyeopening, frustrating and humbling. The aftermath is that my macbook is dead and I feel like shit because it was a present from my parents. I tried so hard to keep it clean, and the one time I get it dirty, I kill it. My parents have been really understanding and helpful the last few days, but that does not stop my mind from putting me down.
Well I hope you all had a better week than I did.