Manic Depressive Illness: A guide to Caring for Introverts

I stumbled across this on facebook and thought it would be great to share on this blog, especially after my last post. This is definitely a great list and it really does represent the introvert.

(http://www.facebook.com/TheIntrovertEntrepreneur)

The following is my response to this chart on facebook, I thought I should re-post it on this blog, as an extension/continuation of my last post:

“What makes me happy is that, introversion is becoming a popular topic, for the longest time introverts were seen as “abnormal,” but with the increase in memoirs, blogs and discussion, introversion is slowly being accepted. What I hope is that introverts will no longer have to hide their nature and act like extroverts. This is something I have struggled with most of my life.

For the longest time I convinced myself I wasn’t introverted-I pushed myself in school, I did pr work for the football team at whittier college, I worked for president of the school, I worked at a labor union, I was a front desk agent at a hotel, I worked in politics and I also did telemarketing. Each of these jobs required me to be extroverted, to be the most vocal, outgoing person you could meet. The problem was that when I got home I was so drained and so depressed that my mental stability began to crumble.

To compensate, I started smoking weed and using pain killers because they provided me with the ability to become extroverted- to be able to make new friends, conduct presentations in front of hundreds of people, talk to random strangers and present myself as this alpha extrovert.

As you can most likely see, this did not end very well. In fact, it go so bad that I ended up in a psych ward/detox. I have finally realized that I am not an extrovert. It has taken me months upon months, to accept that fact. And what worries me, is that so many other introverts are going through same struggles.”

I hope this  makes sense, I’m about to fall over from exhaustion. It might be 6:53am, but to me it’s my nighttime. In an effort to avoid contact with other people, I stay up all night and sleep during the day. I’ve been doing this for a few months now, and unfortunately I have become used to this schedule. Although I have made a lot of progress, I’m still scared to be around other people. It really drives me nuts because I hate being alone.

I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Posts to come and Thanks for the Continued Support!

In the coming weeks, I will hopefully start posting regularly it’s just going to take me a bit of time to get used to writing on a consistent basis. However, I’m really excited to be back. There is so much I want to talk about, and this blog will finally allow me to get all of the shit out of my head. For six months I have kept quiet, letting my thoughts, fears, anxieties, hopes and dreams stew within my mind. Yes, I’m seeing a therapist (and psych doc) but it’s not the same as writing. To me, writing allows me to completely open up and release all of my thoughts and struggles.

Some of the topics I will be writing about, are: psych meds (specifically seroquel and how it almost destroyed my life) and how they impact society, drug abuse (I’m an alcohol and drug addict. From the age of 19 till 22 I drank every day until my doctor told me I was pickling my liver. So I quit drinking, but instead of staying sober I started smoking weed, which led to pain killers. Four years later I finally got clean. I’ve been sober for a few months now and week I attend a sobriety group), mental health and the stigma surrounding it, as well as continuing to explore and understand my life.

I’m really looking forward to blogging and interacting with all of my readers I just wanted to say thank you for all of the support over the last few months, even though I have not been blogging- I still logged in everyday and read all the responses, which helped me immensely. Also, Struggling with the Elephant in the Room broke 13,000 hits today which is far more than I ever thought this blog would have received, so again thank you for all of your support

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

When Life Stops Moving

It has been awhile since I last posted- my mind has been all over the place the last few weeks and instead of writing I’ve been playing video games and watching countless hours of TV. I’m not depressed or manic, it just feels like my life has stopped moving. I still go to therapy once a week, but that is about it. I rarely leave my apartment (I do leave for a few minutes ever day to pick up food) and I spend most of my time avoiding my thoughts. It has been a weird few weeks. I don’t know why I stopped blogging, it just sort of happened. I now wake up around noon and spend most of the early afternoon surfing the net, leaving very little time to write. And when I do have time to write, I start playing video games which eats up all of my free time. I guess it all started when I tried creating a second blog. I got excited, then obsessed, then worried, then frightened and then I just gave up. Writing became a burden, so I ignored the blog and my original ambition.  Its frustrating, because I love to write.

I really want to start blogging again, but at this moment I don’t know if I have the motivation.  Please bear with me as  I try to get myself back together.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Manic Depressive Illness- Avoidance, Panic Attacks and Lack of Motivation

This has been one strange week. I have been avoiding my life, escaping into video games and TV shows, hoping that the world would just go away. I was afraid to write, I was afraid to go outside and I was afraid to live. My anxiety has been at an all-time high, causing me to think irrationally- I thought the whole world was out to get me (I do take a med for anxiety, however, it doesn’t always work), so I just quit functioning. As a result, I stopped doing the one thing that makes me happy: writing.

I guess I overwhelmed myself, I thought I was ready to start another blog and expand my writing, but in doing so I completely collapsed and gave up on everything. It’s frustrating because I’m still unstable; I thought I had made progress in my mental health, but I guess I was wrong. I want to be ambitious, I want to move forward and do something with my life, but at the moment I can’t.

End of self-pity mode

Sorry about the previous paragraphs- I  needed to expel/verbalize the frustration I’ve been holding in all week, so that I can move forward. For the time being I’m going to spend all of my energy on this blog and maybe in a few months I will start up the religion blog. I love this blog to much to let it die because of my fears, paranoia and avoidance. Hopefully I will write a bigger post in the next few days.

Post questions:

How do you get yourself out of a rut (it can be depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, paranoia, mania)?

And if you have low motivation, what can you do to jump-start your mind?

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Continuing the Medication Debate: An Examination of Bob Fiddaman’s Book on The Seroxat Scandal (Guest Post)

In an effort to continue our dialogue on medications, I have decided to post this book review. This does not mean I am for or against medications, but rather I am providing you with another chance for discussion. Today’s guest post comes from reader Sheila who writes the blog  Prozac Withdrawal (a blog on her personal struggle with antidepressants). Throughout the book review, Sheila struggles with the positives and negatives of medication- the same struggle all patients go through. The following is her book review:

I’ve been following Seroxat Sufferers Stand Up and Be Counted! For a little while and I cottoned onto the fact that the author, Bob had written the book “The Evidence, However, Is Clear” so I sent off for it and read it in one day, that’s pretty fast for me nowadays.

Bob was prescribed Seroxat (an SSRI in the same family as Prozac/Lustral) for depression due to work related problems, what followed was a journey that took him through a tapering process of, what he believes to be, a highly addictive antidepressant.  Following almost two years of withdrawal, Fiddaman’s new battle with the manufacturer of the drug (GlaxoSmithKline) and the UK Medicines Regulator (MHRA) took him on a more frustrating journey than he could ever have imagined. (This bit is from the blurb on the back of the book). I understand from Bob’s website/blog/book that he is an activist and winner of two Human Rights Awards and lives in a council flat in Birmingham.

I am really so much in awe of Bob and I learned a lot from his book, about how the pharmaceutical industry has cynically marketed SSRI’s, how the MHRA is hand in glove with the manufacturers of SSRI’s (and other drugs) and not detached as it should be.  How they have suppressed information that these drugs are extremely difficult to get off of, and kept the medical profession in the dark about how to get people off SSRI’s properly. I learned how the drug companies peddled the myth of a “Chemical Imbalance in the Brain” which I fell for and believed myself until the penny slowly dropped after 10 years of failure to get myself off Lustral.  It’s a shocking read but I wasn’t surprised by anything I read, I’d kind of realised for myself a long while ago that someone must be making a lot money out of all these people who struggle to get off SSRI’s and believe they have a chemical imbalance.

Where I struggle is that I know a lot of people who have benefited from antidepressants as well and feel they have improved their quality of life, I find myself avoiding discussion forums on mental health on certain women’s web sites now for fear of upsetting people who are on SSRI’s with what I now know. I don’t want to cause additional depression and anxiety for people who are already depressed and anxious and probably wouldn’t want to listen anyway.

What I really have a problem with is that doctors are not presenting patients with the full facts about SSRI’s before prescribing them like smarties.  The first time I had Post Natal Depression I soldiered on without drugs, I really struggled, and it took me  a good year to really come out the other side, I’m glad I did though and I’m glad I didn’t go into a second pregnancy  on SSRI’s and the worry about the effect on my second baby. After I gave birth the second time I thought I had got away with it, but then I felt the blackness wash over me soon after, worse than the first time.  This time I decided I wasn’t going to keep it to myself, I was going to fess up, I told Peter and my health visitor, together we went to talk to the doctor, the doctor suggested antidepressants, I was desperate but my overriding concern was that I would be addicted and that was the first question I asked, I was reassured that no these were a fairly new class of drug and they were not addictive…..the rest is history.

I often wonder, if my doctor had said, there is a drug that can help you feel better, but they do have some side effects, they can make you feel numb, if you stop them suddenly or come off too fast they can make you feel desperate and suicidal, they can be extremely difficult to get off and worse case scenario it could take you as long as 3-5 years to taper off them, I wonder what I would have decided then? I wonder what a lot of other people would decide?

~

Please use the comment section for discussions on this book review as well as the medication debate. Remember, please be civil and respect everyone’s comments and enjoy the discussion.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

An Introduction to the newest blog in the Struggling With… Blog Network

As I continue to make progress in my mental health, I am getting more and more energy/motivation to write. I still have my bad days, as noted by my previous posts. However, for the first time in over a year I am ready to take on more work.  I was trying to think about what other topics I can write about, then it hit me: Religion. My academic background is in religion;  in 2007 I graduated with a degree in Religious Studies and last year I was attending the Claremont School of Theology- however, I had to drop out of the masters program because of my mental health.  So I decided to start a community blog dedicated to the  study of religion: Struggling with God in the Room. The following is the introduction to the new blog:

Welcome to Struggling with God in the Room- an experimental community blog on religion. It is the sister site of Struggling with the Elephant in the Room, David Stein’s blog on mental health and addiction.  These two blogs are the beginning of a possible collection of blogs, that will bring together readers and authors from multiple different fields and subjects. The idea is that everyone deserves a voice, no matter how small or obscure. Struggling with God in the Room with be an examination of multiple different religions and beliefs, which are connected by personal stories and struggles. In the coming weeks, this blog will grow, morph and expand into a community of bloggers and readers- it might take some time, but dreams usually don’t happen overnight.

We are looking forward to great discussions and we hope you enjoy this experimental blog.

Till next time,

Struggling with God in the Room.

This will not impact my posting on this blog, in fact, if I continue to improve I might increase my posting rate. I’m really excited about this because I love to write- it truly is the only thing that makes me happy.

I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Open Thread Wednesday- How Can we Defeat the Mental Health Stigma? (Comments Wanted)

Although we are in the 21st century, Mental Illness is still looked down upon by a large portion of society.  As such, I want to open up today’s post so that you all can voice your opinion. The last open post went so well, that I wanted to do it again.

Possible discussion questions:

How have you been impacted the mental health stigma? What is your story?

What can we do to change society? Is it even possible to make a difference?

Do you believe there is still a stigma surrounding Mental health?

Is there discrimination in the workplace/school/other? Have you told your boss about your Mental Health?

 

These are only a few possible discussion questions, if you  have other ideas please utilize this post. I hope you will join in the open discussion

Dave.

Say Hello to Domino- My Best Friend and Therapy Cat!

My good friend Susan (and fellow cat lover), who runs the amazing blog If You are Going Through Hell Keep Going, suggested that I should share Domino with the world.

Domino is 1.3 years old and I rescued him from an abusive home. He means the world to me and he has helped me get through some of my worst episodes. And he is just as crazy as I am

Domino as  a baby.

 At my old apartment, Domino loved climbing to the top of the fridge, so he could look over his apartment and keep an eye on me.

 Somebody is tired or he is laughing.

 Nap time.

Although he hates water, Domino loves to hide in the bathtub

Domino says hi

My parents bought Domino one of those massive towers. The problem is he has gotten so big part of his body hangs off the ledge. But he loves it!

Domino resting in my arm.

 I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Follow up questions: Do you have a pet and have they helped you heal? What are some of your pet stories? I would love to hear them.

Manic Depressive Illness Needs a Sense of Humor (Guest Blog)

Tonight’s guest post comes from reader/author/artist/poet Meredith who runs two different blogs- one on manic-depression called The Daily Bipolar  and another that showcases her poetry and art: Gurgling Thoughts. Meredith examines how humor can impact life:

I used to have a sense of humor. Sometimes it pops out now, but when I was younger, without children or any real ties, I had a sense of humor mixed with cynicism and at times anger. Of course, then I was self-medicating with alcohol, acid, pot, pretty much anything but the heroin and PCP.

I married a man who has an over-the-top sense of humor – everything is funny. Every situation got laughed at and not enough was taken seriously. At first, this was ok and didn’t stress me out. It was when we had children that things started splintering.

I got serious, really serious. Solemnity became a badge I wore strung so tightly to my heart it took years before those ties would begin to unravel. I believe much of my seriousness is from fear (i.e., anxiety), a fear that if a problem isn’t taken seriously, nothing will be done to solve it. Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders was natural to me and none of it was funny, to laugh would just be disrespectful.

After the divorce, I was finally able to see his part in the turmoil and that I wasn’t crazy. With distance from his humor-laden conversations, my own sense of humor slowly emerged.

Being able to laugh at oneself makes living, in general, easier (once past the embarrassment) and makes living with bipolar lighter and much more manageable. My children have taught me how to laugh at myself. It’s a good thing too, since they’re two of the main reasons my world got so serious! J

There are times we get into giggling fits at the dinner table, even when it relates to manners. My mother would be appalled as manners are no laughing matter. I have found that I must take my laughter when it comes, for the most part, because it doesn’t come that often. After so many years of working on it, it actually feels good and less scary to let go. My wife may not always agree with me when I laugh at something the kids say in response to my discipline, but sometimes that’s ok.

I will always remember one of the funniest things my daughter did. We went camping this summer and as we were packing up to go, the kids were in the tent trailer getting things ready. My son (13) said something and my daughter (15) hit him.

I sent him out of the trailer and looked at her (stonily) for a moment. I said, “Who do you think you are?” She replied, “Runnin’ ‘round leaving scars.” My pursed lips were suddenly perforated with zerbet sounds as I laughed involuntarily. She cracked up, too. I still laugh when I think about it. Eventually, we got down to the brass tacks, but now that scene is remembered when certain stress points arise. It allows us to laugh, relax, and solve the issue in a diplomatic fashion.

Some days, I go a day without laughing at all. Some days, I laugh in the company of myself reading someone’s blog or tweet. And there are those days, amazingly enough, when I have a lighter step and nothings seems to rile me. But I still have trouble predicting or controlling them. Gotta roll with it.

~

*If you are interested in writing a guest post for Struggling with the Elephant in the Room, please send an email to manicdepressiveblog [at] yahoo.com

Manic Depressive Illness- The Problem with Blacking Out During a Manic Episode

One of my biggest triggers is coffee and if I drink more than three cups I usually fall into a crippling manic episode (although I was diagnosed with manic depressive illness over two years ago, I am just now realizing that caffeine is a major trigger for me. I wish I had realized that earlier, it would have saved me a lot of frustration and grief). Most days I can control myself; however, there have been a handful of times, over the last six months, that I have forced myself into a manic episode by ingesting too much caffeine.  The following is an account of one of these episodes (warning: the following is very graphic and could potentially be a trigger):

I was sitting in front of my laptop, playing a video game and drinking my fifth cup of coffee. Sweat was pouring down my face and my mind was racing. In an effort to curb the racing thoughts, I turned the volume up and hyper-focused on the game. It worked for a few minutes, until I realized my cup was empty and I needed more coffee. After refilling my cup, I started playing half life 2 again. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize my anxiety was rapidly increasing, forcing me closer and closer to a manic episode. I ignored all of the warning signs and continued playing half life 2.

About twenty minutes later I hit rough a rough point in the game.  Without thinking, I picked up my coffee cup and slammed it on the table in frustration.  Coffee went everywhere- splattering the walls, ceiling, table, chair and floor. Then I realized my laptop (it was a new macbook pro) was covered in coffee. I fucking lost it. My mind was racing- Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep fucking everything up? Oh my god,  oh my god, oh my god. My life is fucking falling apart, how do I keep fucking everything up?? Instead of cleaning up the mess, I started pacing around the room, screaming at nothing.

You have really fucked up this time. You destroyed the present your parents gave you, you don’t give a shit about anything. All you care about is yourself. Your fucking pathetic.  The voice in my head that had tortured me for most of my life was screaming- it filled my mind until I no longer could control my sanity.

(http://wallpapergravity.com/Image.php?ID=124603)

I blacked out. The next twenty minutes was a blur. I don’t know how I regained my consciousness, but when I did I was scared at what I had done. Blood was dripping off right hand, my ankles were swollen and my apartment was a complete mess.  Walking around, I found a wall that had various indentations covered in blood-I had punched it until the skin on my knuckles had completely ripped off. Various metal chairs were scattered around the apartment and I realized I had kicked them across the room (I was lucky I didn’t break my ankles). I walked into my bedroom and found one the closet doors on the floor. When I looked inside the closet I found a massive hole. Picking up the door, I realized I had ripped it off the track and slammed it against the wall.

I didn’t know what to do, so I called my dad in a panic and told him that I had spilled coffee on my macbook (I wasn’t ready to tell him about the damage I had done to my apartment, I would save that for another day)-I begged him to tell me what to do and eventually he calmed me down. After the call, I went back to the table and cleaned up the mess. Later that evening I went to a local apple store and I had one of the technicians examine the macbook. Unfortunately, it was completely fried…

~

Blacking out during a manic episode is a very real and serious problem that needs to be addressed and understood (as well as triggers). As such, I want to open this discussion up to my readers:

Have any of you ever blacked out during a manic episode?

How many of you know what your triggers are? Is coffee one of them, or something completely different? And what do you do to avoid your triggers?

I hope you are all doing well

Dave.