Progression: I’m Slowly Moving Forward

This is definitely a first for me, two posts in two+ days, maybe I really am changing (I hope so, because I really hate my life right now; restricted by my anxiety and paranoia, never being able to go outside because I’m afraid of everyone and everything and not being able to write due to my fear of running out of things to say) and progressing towards stability. Last week I made myself extremely sick so I didn’t have to go to my new group. It was horrible: I was vomiting, shaking and my whole body hurt because I was afraid to be around “new” people. But this week is different (in fact after I finish this post I will be leaving my apartment to go to the new group, so this post will  be somewhat brief). I’m not sick, in fact I’m kind of excited to go because I can finally get out of this damn prison.

However,

my anxiety is skyrocketing, my palms are sweaty, and the voice in my head is screaming at me not to leave! But I have to go! I have to get out of here, I have to break free from my fear of progression/change. It fucking drives me crazy that I get so scared of other people, that I can’t just walk outside and talk with a stranger. I can’t go to a new place without feeling like I’m going to vomit. Why the fuck am I like this? Why did I have to get abused? Why did I have to become an addict? Why did my life have to become such a fucking shit storm!!!!

When I get really down on myself, those question invade my mind and force me to reminisce about my childhood and high school years. I hate when I do this because it’s counterproductive and causes my emotional state to crumble (that is why I quit using Facebook,  every time I would go on there , memories of high school would flood my mind causing me to become really depressed. It has been about a month since I last logged on).

I have to stop. This post was supposed to be positive- pointing out the fact that I have made progress, but as usual I have beat myself up and complained about how shitty everything has become.  When my life is stable I try my hardest to destroy it because I am so used to depression and chaos. This is a problem I have been working on the last few weeks and as you can see I’ve yet to “fix” it.

Positives:

1. Next week will be six months of sobriety
2. I’m going to a new support group tonight
3. Tomorrow I start a new job

My time is up. Hopefully the group goes well tonight!

Dave.

Ps. Thank you Susan for the amazing phone call, you have given me the strength to face my fears and move towards progression

I’m Sorry About Not Posting

As usual I let my anxiety get the best of me, as well as my obsessions. To be honest, I’ve been spending most of my time at a forum for the show My Little Pony-Friendship is Magic (MLP). An unbelievably awesome cartoon that needs to be seen by everyone. Although it is a children’s show, the production value is amazing and the stories are top notch. The show centers around the idea of friendship and the struggles of six ponies living in Equestria (the world of MLP). The world of Equestria is filled with happiness, as all the ponies work together in harmony. Every time  I watch MLP I’m able to escape the darkness of depression and anxiety, and spend time in a world that is filled with positive energy and thoughts of happiness (which is something my life is devoid of). I furthered my obsession by joining an MLP forum,which has provided me with a way to communicate with other people. Overall, it has been a great experience, one that has provided me with a lot of joy:

However, I realized I’ve completely neglected my blog and I’m really sorry for that. As usual I got caught up in one of my obsessions and forgot about the rest of the world.  In the past I would have quit everything; given up on all of my passions because I was afraid that my obsessions had ruined my life. This time I’m not going to do that, instead I need to figure out a healthy balance between my love of MLP and my blog, so that I don’t completely destroy my life (I know that sounds drastic, but that is exactly what happened the last time. I freaked, quit writing, quit playing video games and essentially quit going outside. I spent all of my time sleeping and watching TV. It took me almost 6  months to pull myself out of that hole. I really don’t want to go through that again).

I need to continue making progress so that I can finally get my life back together.

There is one major positive- in a week I will have six months of sobriety!!! That is my longest period of sobriety in almost eight years. Well that is all I can write at the moment. I don’t know if this post is any good because my anxiety is extremely high, so to me this seems like a wall of jumbled text.

I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Avoidance and Anxiety

I’ve spent most of the weekend (well actually the last few days) avoiding blog posting. It is really frustrating because I thought I had gotten myself back into posting, but like clockwork I’ve spent most of the week avoiding it. Avoidance comes so easily to me, I don’t even have to think about it. I just get myself distracted, complain that I’m not writing (or doing whatever activity I am  avoiding) and before I know it, weeks have gone by and I’ve spent most of that time doing nothing. I fucking hate when I do this, but my subconscious mind loves to fuck with me. As I stated this has become second-nature. I’ve been fighting this habit (and losing) for almost a decade. There are dozens of activities that I have given up on because I started avoiding them, even though I really liked doing them.

I know this paragraph is repetitive, but I needed to forced myself to write something, to try and remind myself that I actually like to write. Hopefully I can re-motivate myself, because I really do want to continue writing.

I hope you are all having a great weekend and hopefully I will post again in the next few days,

Dave.

I’m Deathly Afraid of New Things- Anxiety Strikes Again!!

Well I didn’t make it to the bipolar/depression support group, because I was too scared to go.  As usual, I forced myself to become a paranoid wreck- talking to myself out loud, muttering random things I caused my brain to spin out control; thoughts and sounds bounced around in my head, which eventually became bits of music that increased in volume and pushed me into a hole of despair, where a voice started talking (I don’t know if that was me thinking or if it was another person in my head)- telling me that if I went to the support group, I would be laughed at, ridiculed, belittled and forced to walk away in shame. The voice told me I could not leave…all I  know is that I was confused, scared and fucking crazy. I was rocking back in forth in my chair, soaked in sweat and all I could think about was throwing up.

I just don’t understand myself; none of this is fucking rational!! I know that if I went to the support group, I would have a good time and most likely learn something new. But my brain just wouldn’t let me go. Every time I have to do something new, I end up making myself extremely paranoid and deeply sick. I don’t know how to break this cycle. The medication doesn’t work, the therapy hasn’t helped and talking with other people just makes the problem worse. I just want to fucking scream!!!! (more after pic)

(http://megancorbett.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Anxiety.jpeg)

As a result, I have been stuck in this fucking apartment, restrained by my anxiety and paranoia. I really want to get out and meet new people, but my brain just won’t let me. So my connection to the outside world is restricted to my laptop and the internet. In fact I’m a member of few forums, where I constantly talk to new people. Further, through this blog I met a woman who has become a very close and dear friend. Although we live on the opposite sides of US we have been texting on and off the last few years. But I am only able to do this, because I am hided behind my computer and phone.

It’s just not fucking rational.

I never used to be like this. In fact, when I was in high school I was extremely gregarious. I didn’t have many close friends, but I had dozens of acquaintances. By my senior year I knew almost everyone in my class (we had over 500 people in our class) as well as a bunch of the underclassmen. Everyday I shook people’s hands, talked with them and constantly met new people.

At that time I loved to talk, especially with strangers. This carried on into my college years and beyond. My first job when I graduated college, was as a union organizer (I worked for UNITE-HERE, the largest hotel union in the country), which required me to be in constant contact with new people.  In fact, I was made into an underground organizer (union salt). I had to integrate myself into a hotel and help the union create a structure that would eventually lead to a strike. Not only was I a union organizer, I was also a night auditor (over night supervisor for the front desk.).

It was at this point my life changed. I became addicted to pain killers and I was constantly abused by my managers. It was both physical and psychological abuse that cause caused deep scars. I still have nightmares of those days.

*I want to pull back a second and apologize for this post becoming a confused mess. I didn’t know how this post was going to go and my life has been so frustrating that I just needed to get this out. Writing is the only way I can understand my problems*

For the next few years, I went from job to job, not knowing what I was going to do with my life.  What made matters worse was that every job I went to, the boss would psychologically abuse me. I was told over and over and over and over again that I worthless. I was told that I could do nothing because I was a piece of shit. I was screamed at, I was made fun of, I was put down, I was degraded and I was destroyed. Unfortunately, abuse seemed to follow me and it got to a point that I began to believe I was worthless. All the self confidence that I had as a kid was destroyed. All the happiness that I enjoyed was taken away. By the time I ended up in the psych ward I was shell of myself. To make matters worse, my manic depression spiraled out of control and my addictions consumed me.

I had no future.

Luckily I was forced to go to the psych ward, because it helped turned my life around. It has been almost a year since I was committed and my depression and mania is under control. I see psychiatrist, a therapist and I go to a sobriety meeting once a week.

But I’m still not “stable.” Because of the abuse, I am still a shell of myself, trapped in this apartment. I hope that I can change; I hope I can overcome these problems and break free of these chains. But at the moment, all I can do is bask in the wondrous glory of anxiety, despair and paranoia. (more post after the pic)

(http://www.studio-international.co.uk/studio-images/munch/Despair_b.jpg)

If you are also chained by anxiety, ptsd, depression, mania, ocd etc I would love to hear your story. If you are able, please share them in the comment section. Your comments are the one thing that keeps me going, reminding me I am not alone in this fucked up journey.

I hope you are all well!

Dave.

Sorry for the absence

For the last week, my life has been an complete mess (more than usual, in fact I had a major breakdown, something that hasn’t happened in a few months) and I have been struggling to get myself to write, but I just wanted to let you know that I will be posting soon. I have a lot to write about, but I just need to make sure my mind is stable enough to re-open this wound.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

My Obsessions keep Switching, It’s driving me Nuts

As the title states, my obsession for various activities keeps switching and I’m going a little crazy. For the last week or so its been writing, now its competitive gaming, next week it will be something different unless I can figure out a way to contain it. I want to keep writing because this is a major step in my healing process. If I stop blogging my depression will become worse, causing my paranoia to grow and my anxiety to explode, which in turn would essentially send me back to the hospital, something I really want to avoid. Yes this sounds a little extreme, but I wouldn’t put it past my brain to do something like that (to this day I’m convinced my brain is a corporeal being that has been trying to destroy me since birth). *sorry, my writing is really off right now,  I’m running on adrenaline, little sleep and lots of frustration so I am going to keep this post short.

My problem right now is that I need to find a way to overcome my obsessions, something I have struggled with all my life. I really want to continue writing, but I can feel my mind loosing interest because it wants to move onto other obsessions which is really frustrating me. Writing is what I love to do. It is  what I was born to do and every time I start to write again, I get obsessed with it, then quit because I move onto another obsession. I don’t know how to control this, because if this keeps going on I will never be able to get well again because I can’t get myself to stay on one thing, and if I am working on a single I have to be obsessing about it. I can’t contain this and I’m scared. I want to continue writing and that is why I am forcing myself to write this post, my mind does not want to write but I want to.  I’m having an internal struggle right now, that is making me dizzy.

I am going to try my hardest to continue posting. I know I have quit quite a few times in the last few years, but I want to make an effort to continue on. So please be patient with me, because I am trying to keep myself writing. Hopefully this is just a feeling I am having right now and it passes. Maybe if I keep forcing myself to write I can continue on and if that is the case, then I am going to need all of my personal energy. Well this post turned out longer than I thought it would, so I guess that is a positive. Sorry for the jumbled post, but I needed to express the feelings I am struggling with, I needed to tell someone.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

 

Manic Depressive Illness: A guide to Caring for Introverts

I stumbled across this on facebook and thought it would be great to share on this blog, especially after my last post. This is definitely a great list and it really does represent the introvert.

(http://www.facebook.com/TheIntrovertEntrepreneur)

The following is my response to this chart on facebook, I thought I should re-post it on this blog, as an extension/continuation of my last post:

“What makes me happy is that, introversion is becoming a popular topic, for the longest time introverts were seen as “abnormal,” but with the increase in memoirs, blogs and discussion, introversion is slowly being accepted. What I hope is that introverts will no longer have to hide their nature and act like extroverts. This is something I have struggled with most of my life.

For the longest time I convinced myself I wasn’t introverted-I pushed myself in school, I did pr work for the football team at whittier college, I worked for president of the school, I worked at a labor union, I was a front desk agent at a hotel, I worked in politics and I also did telemarketing. Each of these jobs required me to be extroverted, to be the most vocal, outgoing person you could meet. The problem was that when I got home I was so drained and so depressed that my mental stability began to crumble.

To compensate, I started smoking weed and using pain killers because they provided me with the ability to become extroverted- to be able to make new friends, conduct presentations in front of hundreds of people, talk to random strangers and present myself as this alpha extrovert.

As you can most likely see, this did not end very well. In fact, it go so bad that I ended up in a psych ward/detox. I have finally realized that I am not an extrovert. It has taken me months upon months, to accept that fact. And what worries me, is that so many other introverts are going through same struggles.”

I hope this  makes sense, I’m about to fall over from exhaustion. It might be 6:53am, but to me it’s my nighttime. In an effort to avoid contact with other people, I stay up all night and sleep during the day. I’ve been doing this for a few months now, and unfortunately I have become used to this schedule. Although I have made a lot of progress, I’m still scared to be around other people. It really drives me nuts because I hate being alone.

I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Manic Depressive Illness: My Return to Posting & Why Abuse Can Destroy Your Self-Esteem

My mom visited me today and we had a very long discussion (~2 hours), talking about everything from mental illness, drug abuse, family, psychological abuse and cancer: my mom is a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer about 6 years ago and now every friday she goes to Long Beach Memorial Hospital to visit cancer patients- she talks with them, mentors them and comforts them.

My mom is definitely my hero as she spends so much time trying to help other people. One day, when I’m finally stable, I want to do the same thing. I want to help other people who are struggling with drug addiction and mental illness. But unfortunately, I’m still a mess and I can barely help myself.

I’m scared of everything and everyone. I don’t trust anyone because I’m afraid they will try take advantage of me or hurt me. It is truly amazing how damaging abuse can be (not by my parents, rather by my peers and the people I worked for). At every job I have ever worked, my bosses have abused me- one of my bosses strangled me- he was 6’6″ ~350 pounds and he did not like me. I tried to be nice to him, I helped him out and what did I get in return, physical and psychological abuse. He would call me names, and would constantly play pranks on me, knowing that I had horrible anxiety. One evening, he came to work extremely angry. I said something that he didn’t like, and instead of brushing it off, he pushed me against a wall, grabbed my throat and raised me up. I was scared shitless, I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t move and I could feel tears trickling down my face. He eventually dropped me, but only after someone else walked in the room. He yelled at me and walked away.

My fellow co-workers wanted me to tell the human resources director about what happened. I didn’t want to. I was so scared of him, that I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happened. About a week passed, and I was called into the hr department. One of my co-workers told the hr director what had happened. She questioned me about the incident and after a few hours decided that my boss would receive 3 day suspension. For some fucked up reason he wasn’t fired. All he got was a slap on the wrist and a three day vacation.

What do you think happened when he returned?

He spent his entire time at work trying to get me fired and intimidate me so that I would crack. I wasn’t allowed to leave my post and if I had to go to the bathroom someone had to accompany me. And that wasn’t all, he would spend hours pouring over the security tapes trying to prove I was stealing from the company.

Why didn’t I leave?

Because I was scared and I also had a pretty big drug problem. Due to the stress and torture I had started abusing pain killers. I would buy hundreds of pills every other week and if I left my job I would no longer be able to support my habit. So I stayed for at least 3-4 more months. Eventually I did quit the job (not the drug habit, I just used up all of the money I had saved), but that was not the end of my abuse. The next couple of the jobs I worked I had bosses that treated me like utter shit. They constantly told me I was worthless and that I didn’t deserve to exist. After awhile I started to believe what they were saying and to this day I still think I’m a worthless piece of shit. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’m afraid of everyone and everything and I believe I do not deserve happiness, progress or successes because in the end I just pathetic.

I know that sounds depressive, but it is something I struggle with everyday. I do see a therapist and we are working on these issues, but I’m afraid to change. However, I am making progress, the fact that I have written this post is proof that I am getting a bit better.

At the moment that is all I can write, I’m not used to typing this much, but I hope I can continue to post. I’m sorry I was gone for so long, but I’m back and I will be writing about where I have been and what I am doing about my manic depressive illness and drug addiction.

I hope you are all well,

Dave:)

Say Hello to Domino- My Best Friend and Therapy Cat!

My good friend Susan (and fellow cat lover), who runs the amazing blog If You are Going Through Hell Keep Going, suggested that I should share Domino with the world.

Domino is 1.3 years old and I rescued him from an abusive home. He means the world to me and he has helped me get through some of my worst episodes. And he is just as crazy as I am

Domino as  a baby.

 At my old apartment, Domino loved climbing to the top of the fridge, so he could look over his apartment and keep an eye on me.

 Somebody is tired or he is laughing.

 Nap time.

Although he hates water, Domino loves to hide in the bathtub

Domino says hi

My parents bought Domino one of those massive towers. The problem is he has gotten so big part of his body hangs off the ledge. But he loves it!

Domino resting in my arm.

 I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Follow up questions: Do you have a pet and have they helped you heal? What are some of your pet stories? I would love to hear them.

Manic Depressive Illness- Monday Evening Review

The last few days have been bizarre as my mind has been flooded by old memories (as noted in one of my previous posts, most of my childhood is a blur. the old memories were destroyed in favor of new ones, or at least that is what I have been told), causing me to reminisce about my past and re-evaluate my current situation. The memories have been coming back in small fragments; at times it’s hard to separate the memories…

(usually this happens when my mind is free to think- when I shower, before I go to bed and when I am driving. That is why I spend so much time watching TV and playing video games, it keeps my mind clear and keeps me from my own thoughts. My plan is to expand upon this in a future post, linking my drug use to my constant need to forget. At times I am afraid to allow my thoughts to roam free, because my mind can be fucked up)

…from reality as my mind has been slipping- a result of stress, drug use and too much sleep. It hurts when these memories come back because they force me to remember a time prior to my drug abuse and prior to my diagnosis with Manic Depressive Illness. This was a time when I was still innocent and thought the world was a safe place to live in.

I can’t focus.

My mind is swirling with different memories and thoughts and it’s driving me crazy. The more I remember the more depressed I become, forcing me to find solace in horrible places.

I have to stop this post here. I am still struggling with motivation and writer’s block (it has taken me almost an hour to write this post. I have deleted and re-written and deleted the post numerous times) but I have figured out why: I am scared that I will run out of things to write about. Yes, I know that sounds trivial, however, my mind sees this as a debilitating problem. It is really frustrating because writing makes me happy and not being able to write furthers my depression and paranoia…I had to force myself to write tonight, which is why this post if very disjointed and confusing- it almost mirrors my thought process.

Dave.