My Confusing Loss of Direction. What is my Goal in Life?

I can’t believe how long it has been since I last posted. The months have blurred together and my mind is mush. Because it has been so long since I last wrote, I’m struggling to produce coherent sentences which is confusing and depressing. I’ts as if I have lost a part of myself and I’m struggling to get it back. Over the last few months, every time I tried to write my mind would go blank and force me to quit. I was scared to write.  Scared to break my obsessive schedule. And scared that I would lose control and be consumed by my obsession for success. So instead of going through the painful process of obsession, I decided to quit and avoid the “unnecessary” struggle. Herein lies the problem: I don’t know how to do anything without completely obsessing about it. Everything I have done over the last decade has been a result of mania and obsession, which has always caused me to become mentally and physically sick leading me to quit whatever I was doing (yes graduated college, but I wasted my three years there trying to graduate early instead studying and learning).

As such, I’m currently struggling to figure out how I can do something without over obsessing about it. Also, I’m no longer manic so I can’t do as much as I want (when I was manic, I was able to handle numerous jobs and produce a tremendous amount of work. Although, the mania ultimately landed me in the hospital). Thus, I have been avoiding everything the last few months. (Rest of post after picture)

(wikipedia.org)

You might be wondering why I’m writing. Although I don’t really know why, I’ve been trying to push myself to post the last few months. Everyday I log onto my blog, check the stats, read the comments and then log off. Sometimes I would create a new post and sit there staring at the blank screen. But for some odd reason, today I decided to finally write a post. I don’t know if this means I am going to continue writing, or if anyone is even reading this. But I have realized once again, that I love to write and it makes me feel good.

On the positive side I am no longer depressed or manic (although I’m still struggling with severe social anxiety, it is not present everyday). In fact it has been over a year since I was hospitalized and my mind is finally clear. On top of that I’ve been sober since February 3rd, my longest period of sobriety since 2005.

To end this post I was wondering if any of my readers have suggestions on how to overcome obsession. Also, what are your obsession/mania stories. How has mania and OCD impacted your life?

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Ps. Has anyone used Squidoo or Hubpages? I’m thinking about joining and trying to produce various articles.

Thank You for All of the Amazing Comments and Support

As I said in the title thank you for commenting, discussing, supporting and relating to my struggles. This means the world to me. The last week has been a living nightmare. Every day I woke up, I was drowning in darkness and despair. My depression was at an all time high and to make things worse I was also struggling with crippling anxiety and paranoia – essentially this was a mixed episode and the last time I had one I was locked up in a psych ward.

For five days I was desperate to have the pain end and midway through my episode I wanted my life to end. I’m not suicidal, but I have had thoughts of death before and this time I truly wanted to die. I thought my life was pointless.

However, a day later I contacted one of my friends and asked for help. This was a huge step for me as I rarely reach out to other human beings.  But it was the right thing to do. My friend spent the next few hours texting and talking with me.  She reassured me, provided me with support and listened to my struggles. By the time our conversation ended, I felt a lot better. Although I was still depressed, I had confidence to continue fighting. Because I reached out and asked for help, I was able to overcome my mixed episode and realize that that my life is not pointless.

Currently I’m not depressed, or anxious, or paranoid, or manic. In fact, I feel great. What made this possible was seeing all of the amazing comments that have been left on my previous post.  My goal is to read through all of them and try to respond to as many as possible.

Again thank you for your support and your stories. The goal of this blog is to become a forum for people who struggle with mental illness and to be a safe place for people to discuss, comment and tell their stories.

I would love to hear more of your stories. How many of you have had a mixed episode? How many of you have spent time in a psych ward? And does anyone have any tips on how to overcome depression?

I hope you are all doing well! And remember, stay strong and never give up!!!

Dave.

Domino says hi And here is a picture of baby Domino

 

My Struggle with Anxiety/OCD- An example of my Confusing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

*Thank you so much for all of the comments and support. You have helped me so much and I hope you also feel better being able to comment and talk about your stories. My goal is to read all of the comments and respond to as many comments as I can. Further, if you like this post, please visit my latest post: Again thank you for all of your comets and I look forward to our future discussions

Although I’m moving closer to stability, my anxiety refuses to go away.  Last week was an anxiety filled nightmare. I made myself sick (something I used to do as a kid), convinced myself that someone or something was following me and I almost collapsed from fear of germs. It’s frustrating because every time I get closer to “normality” I end forcing myself to fall apart (well I don’t know if I’m consciously doing this, but something deep in my psyche is working against me). In fact, even with my medication my life is consumed by my obsessions…

For me to leave my apartment or go to sleep, I have to check everything to make sure it’s in the right place. I walk in circles examining various things because I’m convinced that if I don’t I will end up dying. If the word “off” on the oven knobs are not evenly split by the line marker (I don’t know what the line is called, it’s the mark you use to determine the level of heat the oven produces), I fear that the oven will turn on and fill my apartment with toxic gas causing me to suffocate in my sleep (or create a combustible environment where the apartment would explode when I open the front door). I then check all of the items on my kitchen counters out of fear that they will fall onto the floor, causing me to trip and break my while walking to the bathroom (during the night). From there I go to the bathroom and make sure that it is exactly the same as it was the day before (oddly, there is nothing that causes me fear here, it has just become part of my obsessive routine). Once I’ve checked the bathroom I then examine my TV, making sure that my protective movie stacks are in place so that my cat won’t jump up there and knock the TV over (I sleep on chair in my living room and the TV is right in front of me).

At this point I usually realize that I have wasted a tremendous amount of time, so I force myself to rush towards my next task: checking the front door. I have to touch each lock and door chain, making sure they are in place. I then relock the door handle, grip it and turn it 12 times. For me to be able to release the door knob it cannot make any noise, as I’m convinced that if it does the door is not really locked and someone could walk into my apartment and slit my throat while I was sleeping. This process usually lasts 10-15 minutes and always makes my anxiety worse. Once I’m satisfied the door is locked I move on to my last task: making sure the window blinds are fully closed. I walk back and forth while counting to three. I then move to the middle of the window where I look up and down making sure that the top, middle and bottom are closed. By this point I’m usually ready to pass out, so I go to my chair, sit down and look backwards to make sure everything is truly closed. (I apologize for this confusing/jumbled paragraph, as my anxiety has increased causing me to struggle with my ability to write. Hopefully it was readable).

Although the ending part deals with me going to sleep, the process is essentially the same when I try to go outside. When I’m really, really, really anxious/nervous this process can last for over an hour and a half.

—–

This obsession drives me crazy because it’s completely irrational. I’ve been doing this for over a year and although I feel better, I can’t get rid of this pointless process. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I won’t die I can’t seem to stop myself.

Well that is all I can write at the moment. This post was hard to produce, as it forced me to confront my anxiety and obsessions.

I was wondering if any of my readers have had similar experiences and stories? Further if you have dealt with anxiety, do you have any tips to overcome these obsessions?

I hope you are all having a great week

Dave.

Ps. My cat domino says hi and hopes everyone is doing well

My Life is Ruled by Obsessions and I can’t Stop Them!

Every time I think I have something under control another problem arises. About two weeks ago my psychiatrist put me on lamictal for depression and as a replacement for Seroquel. I had been on Seroquel for over two years and at my peak I was taking 900mg a day. The problem was that the side effects became unbearable. In fact, it got so bad that I lost my short term memory and my motivation. This made it almost impossible to converse with other people because in the middle of speaking I would forget what I was talking about and struggle to remember basic words. During this period I would spend hours doing nothing, staring at my computer screen in a complete daze. This period of  my life lasted for over three months, until I realized that Seroquel was the cause of my problems. When I dropped my dosage, the side effects began to disappear and eventually my short term memory returned. However, another problem arose- depression. By decreasing my  Seroquel, I no longer had the ability to control my depression and as a result, I fell into dark emotional hole.

Fast forward six months and my psychiatrist and I finally found a way to stop the depression: lamictal. As I noted above I have been on lamictal for about two weeks and amazingly it has reduced my depression. I no longer feel the deep dread and mental darkness that had consumed me for the last six months. Instead I am now consumed by extreme anxiety and OCD. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, because every time I cure one problem another one arises and it’s driving me fucking crazy. Everyday I do the exact same thing (more after the picture):

(http://knowocd.wordpress.com/)

I wake up between 5 and 7 pm (I sleep during the day and stay up at night), roll up my blanket, put my chairs away (i’m afraid to sleep in my bedroom, so I sleep on a chair in my living room) and put my blanket in another room. I then make a cup of coffee,  turn on laptop and sit down. I first log into my blog and bemoan the fact that I  no longer  write, I beat myself up for being a waste of space and then close my blog in disgust. Next I search for Kotaku (a video game website) and from there I start reading their articles, which usually sends me to other articles on other sites.  For the next 5-6 hours I read countless articles, journals and papers on a wide range of topics, the only time I leave is to go to the bathroom or make a cup of coffee. I forgot, about 2 hours into my reading, I realize that I have yet to take my pills, so I search for my trileptal (a mood-stabilizing drug that  is also used for anti-convulsion)  and subutex (a generic semi-synthetic opioid used to stop my cravings for pain killers) which is taken sublingual and dissolves in one hour. During that time I am still reading. After six hours of reading and 5 cups of coffee, I realize that I have wasted most of the early evening and I start beating myself up. As I do everyday, I complain to myself that I spend way to much time on the internet when I could be doing other things. This usually goes on for 20 minutes, during which I get dressed to go out and get food.

By this time it’s usually 12:30 or 1 am. There is only one restaurant that is open, Alerto’s Mexican food.  They only take cash, so I have to go to 7-11 to buy a breakfast bar and receive cash back. I then race across the street, enter the drive through and order a burrito, a cheese quesadilla and a torta. I pull up to the window and hand the money to teller making sure I do not make eye contact. I’m to scared to look someone I don’t know in the eyes. Out side of saying thank you, I do not speak to the teller, it is way to scary to make small talk. About 10 minutes later I receive my food, race home, wash my dishes, make another cup of coffee, put out towels in front of my computer, turn on netflix and watch a TV show while eating. When I finish eating, I throw everything away and return to watching my show. When the show ends I have two options, continue watching the show for the rest of the night or play video games. The decision is usually based on how depressed I am- if I’m extremely depressed I watch TV.  This goes on till around 7:30 am, at which time I realize I have to go to be.

This is where the next obsession starts. I turn off my computer.  I then collect all of medication bottles place them in a circle on my desk, in front of my computer. I then go to the bathroom, wipe the grease off my face, complain that I don’t brush my teeth, which then causes me to beat myself up again. After a few minutes, I collect my clothes which are on my floor, go into my bedroom, put on some shorts, exit my bedroom and walk towards my table. I then make sure everything is in its right place. I then go to the oven and make sure every dial is set at off, where the line goes evenly through the word off, because if its not perfect then I am convinced it will  turn on while I’m  asleep and I will suffocate and die. From there, I make sure every object on all of my counters are in the right spot, because if  they are not I’m afraid they will fall and if I have to go to the bathroom I will trip on them, fall, break my neck and die. I then go back into my bedroom and get my blanket. Afterwards I check the window in my bedroom, making sure its in the right place because if it’s not, then someone will break in and slit my throat while I’m sleeping.  I then make my way out of my bedroom and recheck everything I had previously checked, because if I don’t I will die.

From there, I go to my front door, check spend the next 10 minutes checking my door knob,  making sure the door is  really locked, because if it’s  not perfect someone will break in and slit my throat. From there I check my blinds, over and over and over again, making sure they are perfect, because if they are not someone will break in. Finally, I make my way to my chair, fall into it and pass out.

As you can see, all of my obsessions revolve around the fear that someone or something will kill me. Because of that, I do the same exactly thing everyday, in the exact same way.

My life is completely fucked. I’m sorry about the really really long post, but I needed to talk about this, because everything seems to be falling apart. The reason why I was able to motivate myself to post is because I spilled coffee all over my laptop. Its fucking dead, I killed another fucking laptop and I don’t know why I keep doing this.  My life is completely ruled by my obsessions and they won’t stop.

Dave.

Depression, Depression, Depression and Anxiety

I seem to be floating around a mental purgatory. Every time I get close to stabilizing myself, a new problem arises. Lately I’ve been working with my psych and therapist to get my depression under control.

I’ve been depressed for almost six months, this is the longest depressive episode I’ve had. What makes it worse is that its not consistent, it fluctuates- one day I’m mildly depressed, the next extremely depressed. However, in the last few months my episodes have been cycling even faster- within a day I could go from really really really depressed to somewhat stable, back to really depressed and then mildly depressed. My mood is constantly shifting and to make things worse my OCD, anxiety and paranoia are out of control.

As I noted above every time I get close to stability, I fall into a new problem. Monday, I saw my pscyh and he put me on Lamictal for depression, we are starting at 25mg for a week and then next week I go up to 50mg. The Lamictal seems to be working, however, I’m having a real hard time swallowing the pill.

It’s in the shape of a diamond, very small, sharp edges. The second time I took it, the pill got stuck in my throat and cut it up. As a result, every time I get ready to take the pill I start to freak out- I get really anxious, I start breathing heavily, my thoughts start racing, I get sick to my stomach and I feel like I’m going to pass out. Which is exactly what happened this morning- I forced myself to take the pill and even though I was able to swallow it, I was still really paranoid. I ended up making myself sick, causing myself to have the hiccups which made me even more anxious. I could’t go to sleep, because I was convinced that if went to sleep with the hiccups I would suffocate and die. (More after the pic)

An hour later, I finally finally got the hiccups to stop. I was dead tired, stressed out and extremely pale. I spent the next 30 min checking my apartment, going through my nightly (well actually I go to sleep in the morning) routine, making sure everything was in its place. I checked the dials on the oven, making sure the line on the oven split the word “off” in half. I was convinced that if I didn’t align the dials, the oven would some how turn on, and deadly fumes would rush out into my apartment, causing me to suffocate in my sleep. It took me awhile to realize it, but my OCD was out of control. The example I provided above is only one of the many “things” I check before I go to sleep. Maybe in a future post I will go over my obsessive compulsions.

Let us return to my original topic, struggling to swallow the Lamictal pill and then making myself sick: I eventually made my way to my chair (I don’t sleep in my bedroom, I get too paranoid if I sleep in another room because I’m convinced that someone will break into my apartment, slip into my bedroom and either suffocate me or slit my throat), a large, soft recliner that my dad had found at a Jewish Center sale, sat down and fell asleep.

My sleep was fucking horrible, I had four dreams and in each dream I died. It felt real and the pain was beyond horrible. After each time I died, I woke up, turned onto one of my sides and fell back asleep. All of this psychological pain was due to my fear of taking the Lamictal pill. It is completely irrational, and yet I forced myself to fall apart. I consider myself a pretty rational person, and yet I allow myself to fall into extremely irrational episodes.

My OCD and anxiety confuses and scares me. I hope that one day I will be able to overcome these irrational thoughts, but at the moment my mind is completely controlled by my obsessions.

I want to apologize for not posting the last few weeks (I feel really bad that I constantly start and stop writing, telling you guys that I am back, and then falling off the face of the earth a week later. I feel extremely ashamed that I constantly do this, I don’t know how to motivate myself to consistently write. And what frustrates me the most is that writing makes me happy, in fact its the only thing that makes me happy) I’ve been struggling with depression which has completely eliminated my motivation. Also, please forgive my horrible writing, my mind is still a mess.

I hope you are all doing well and maybe I will be able to post again in the next few days. To end this, I was wondering if any of you would be willing to comment about your depression, anxiety, ocd or paranoia in the comment section. I think it would be a great opportunity for all of us to be able to talk about a struggles.

Again I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Manic Depressive Illness: My Return to Posting & Why Abuse Can Destroy Your Self-Esteem

My mom visited me today and we had a very long discussion (~2 hours), talking about everything from mental illness, drug abuse, family, psychological abuse and cancer: my mom is a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer about 6 years ago and now every friday she goes to Long Beach Memorial Hospital to visit cancer patients- she talks with them, mentors them and comforts them.

My mom is definitely my hero as she spends so much time trying to help other people. One day, when I’m finally stable, I want to do the same thing. I want to help other people who are struggling with drug addiction and mental illness. But unfortunately, I’m still a mess and I can barely help myself.

I’m scared of everything and everyone. I don’t trust anyone because I’m afraid they will try take advantage of me or hurt me. It is truly amazing how damaging abuse can be (not by my parents, rather by my peers and the people I worked for). At every job I have ever worked, my bosses have abused me- one of my bosses strangled me- he was 6’6″ ~350 pounds and he did not like me. I tried to be nice to him, I helped him out and what did I get in return, physical and psychological abuse. He would call me names, and would constantly play pranks on me, knowing that I had horrible anxiety. One evening, he came to work extremely angry. I said something that he didn’t like, and instead of brushing it off, he pushed me against a wall, grabbed my throat and raised me up. I was scared shitless, I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t move and I could feel tears trickling down my face. He eventually dropped me, but only after someone else walked in the room. He yelled at me and walked away.

My fellow co-workers wanted me to tell the human resources director about what happened. I didn’t want to. I was so scared of him, that I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happened. About a week passed, and I was called into the hr department. One of my co-workers told the hr director what had happened. She questioned me about the incident and after a few hours decided that my boss would receive 3 day suspension. For some fucked up reason he wasn’t fired. All he got was a slap on the wrist and a three day vacation.

What do you think happened when he returned?

He spent his entire time at work trying to get me fired and intimidate me so that I would crack. I wasn’t allowed to leave my post and if I had to go to the bathroom someone had to accompany me. And that wasn’t all, he would spend hours pouring over the security tapes trying to prove I was stealing from the company.

Why didn’t I leave?

Because I was scared and I also had a pretty big drug problem. Due to the stress and torture I had started abusing pain killers. I would buy hundreds of pills every other week and if I left my job I would no longer be able to support my habit. So I stayed for at least 3-4 more months. Eventually I did quit the job (not the drug habit, I just used up all of the money I had saved), but that was not the end of my abuse. The next couple of the jobs I worked I had bosses that treated me like utter shit. They constantly told me I was worthless and that I didn’t deserve to exist. After awhile I started to believe what they were saying and to this day I still think I’m a worthless piece of shit. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’m afraid of everyone and everything and I believe I do not deserve happiness, progress or successes because in the end I just pathetic.

I know that sounds depressive, but it is something I struggle with everyday. I do see a therapist and we are working on these issues, but I’m afraid to change. However, I am making progress, the fact that I have written this post is proof that I am getting a bit better.

At the moment that is all I can write, I’m not used to typing this much, but I hope I can continue to post. I’m sorry I was gone for so long, but I’m back and I will be writing about where I have been and what I am doing about my manic depressive illness and drug addiction.

I hope you are all well,

Dave:)

When Life Stops Moving

It has been awhile since I last posted- my mind has been all over the place the last few weeks and instead of writing I’ve been playing video games and watching countless hours of TV. I’m not depressed or manic, it just feels like my life has stopped moving. I still go to therapy once a week, but that is about it. I rarely leave my apartment (I do leave for a few minutes ever day to pick up food) and I spend most of my time avoiding my thoughts. It has been a weird few weeks. I don’t know why I stopped blogging, it just sort of happened. I now wake up around noon and spend most of the early afternoon surfing the net, leaving very little time to write. And when I do have time to write, I start playing video games which eats up all of my free time. I guess it all started when I tried creating a second blog. I got excited, then obsessed, then worried, then frightened and then I just gave up. Writing became a burden, so I ignored the blog and my original ambition.  Its frustrating, because I love to write.

I really want to start blogging again, but at this moment I don’t know if I have the motivation.  Please bear with me as  I try to get myself back together.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Manic Depressive Illness: An Unknown Episode- Or Why I’m Haunted by my Past

Every once in a while I experience a bizarre and crippling episode, that forces me to reminisce about my past. I know it doesn’t sound that bad, but when it hits I’m overwhelmed by a sense of dread, paranoia, anxiety and fear. I start thinking about how shitty my life is, which then evolves into depression and suicidal thoughts. What makes it even worse is that I don’t know what triggers it or why it happens.  Since I was diagnosed with manic-depressive illness, I’ve only encountered this “unknown episode” a few times.

Last night I experienced one of these “unknown episodes.”

I had just finished eating dinner and I was trying to clean up. As I was walking to the sink I started getting this feeling that something was wrong. My mind wasn’t racing, the voice in my head was quiet and I wasn’t depressed,  so I ignored it (I don’t know how this post will turn out, my memory is spotty because the episode only lasted a few minutes). After cleaning my plates, I started calling for Domino and he rushed into the kitchen. Then it hit me. I almost fell to my knees as I was overcome by a sense of failure and regret. I started getting flashbacks of my past, my high school years, when I wasn’t a complete mess. It felt like my life was over and that I had no reason to live. I couldn’t breath. Memories of my youth overwhelmed me, causing me to loose control of my mind. I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to be the failure that I was, and I didn’t want to be crazy.  One thought started swirling around in my head: Why had my life fallen apart?  

It felt like my head was going to explode and it took all of my energy to pull myself out of it. Slowly the thoughts began to disappear-the memories stopped, the feeling of failure went away and I started gaining control of my mind. However, the damage was done and the frightening part was that I really wanted to die.

As I stated above, I don’t know what caused the episode and that’s what scares me. I don’t know how to prepare myself for the next episode.  So I want to ask you guys, have you ever experienced something like this? And what should I do to prepare myself or protect myself from this “episode?”

I’m going to stop here, my mind is all over the place. Unfortunately, I’ve spent the entire day (I started at 11am)  sitting in front of my computer and drinking coffee. I know it’s not very healthy, but I’ve been trying to avoid the world around me.

Dave.

Twitter, Facebook and Social Networking….Or Why is there a Voice in my Head?

Today’s post will be brief, mainly its my self-promotion post (regular posting will resume tomorrow if I can overcome my anxiety and defeat the voice in my head that has been trying to destroy my sanity. At the moment we are in a stalemate, but I am hoping I can defeat it. Actually my next post might be on this subject. I am not hearing multiple voices, rather its the  voice of my brain. Since high school I have been struggling with anxiety….I am going to stop right there and continue this discussion in tomorrow’s post ).

In an effort to grow my social networking presence (because this seems to be what everyone one is doing) I wanted to share my twitter and facebook name, and I  was wondering if you could pass this on to your friends or do you have suggestions for other social networking sites that could help in my growth?

twitter.com/david_a_stein

http://www.facebook.com/thedavidastein

Also I  want to encourage my readers to participate in commenting on my blog posts, I  know in the past  I haven’t responded as much, but I am working my hardest to change this. I really want to create an open community where we can share, teach, relate and help each other out. Everyone deserves a voice and I would love  to hear your stories.  So again, I want to encourage my readers to comment and participate in future discussions (please forgive the pushy nature of this post, I just wanted to try something new. If you have any suggestions, or comments,  or questions please feel free to email me at manicdepressiveblog [at] yahoo.com

To end this post, I wanted to provide you with a list of blogs that I really like, because they have all helped me with my mental health struggles (this list is in random order because they are all top blogs to me):

If You are Going Through Hell Keep Going

Prozac Withdrawal

Bipolar Burble

The Daily Bipolar

Prozac Blogger

Soulful Sepulcher

I hope you are all doing well,

Stay Strong!

Dave.

Ps. Also, if  you have not done so yet please subscribe to my blog, you can find the link at top of this page. Thank you.

Manic Depressive Illness- My Fear of Sanity-Why I tried to Create an Episode

It’s been an odd few days.  As I noted in my previous post, my toilet broke again, causing a flood of emotions and stress. But through all the mess, my mind was stable and I didn’t fall apart. It’s been like this for about a week. Most people would be happy with stability but I’m scared of it. I have been unstable for so many years that I fear stability, because it doesn’t feel normal. It’s odd, it’s scary, it’s unnerving and it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel weird writing about this because I have made so much progress in the last month, that I should be happy I’m stable. But I’m not.  Ever since I was diagnosed with manic depressive illness (I was diagnosed about two years ago as Bipolar I, Mixed Episodes, OCD and a mild form Agoraphobia. I also suffer from an un-diagnosed anxiety disorder), I have been fighting a battle with my mind and my surroundings. It hasn’t been easy, in fact I have hit rock bottom so many times that I’m comfortable with failure and pain.

So the other day when my toilet broke, I freaked out because I was calm. I didn’t know what to do. I called my mom and tried to act “crazy,” hoping that if I kept pushing myself towards insanity I would have a mental breakdown. Nothing happened. I hung up on my mom and tried to walk around my apartment, telling myself I was worthless, crazy and ill. I tried to force my mind to race but it refused to function. In fact, the voice that has haunted me for almost a decade was silent, making me even angrier. By that time I was running around my apartment- yelling at the walls, ignoring my phone and hoping that I would breakdown. Eventually I answered the phone, talked with my mom and walked over to the manager’s apartment. He wasn’t home. Maybe this is how I can create panic in my mind! The manager isn’t home, he doesn’t care about me, in fact he is going to ignore me so that my problem grows!  No one wants to help me because I am a lost cause. My mind is fucked.

Again nothing happened.

About ten minutes later, the apartment manager walked through the front gate and greeted me. I told him that the toilet had broken again, which caused my bathroom to flood. He wasn’t mad, in fact he was very supportive and frustrated that my toilet had backed up again.  M (the manager) immediately called a plumber. About two hours later the plumber arrived, entered my apartment and began working on my toilet. Unfortunately, my mind was still stable…

I still can’t believe I tried to force myself to fall apart. It’s been a few days since my toilet broke and I’m still stable. I don’t know why.  I can’t believe I’m thinking like this- like is said in the above paragraphs, I should be happy that I’m stable instead trying to destroy my mental health.

I’m going to stop writing about this and open up this discussion to my readers: do any of you struggle with your sanity and/or sobriety? If so what have you done to overcome these feelings?

I hope you are all doing well!

Dave.