Today was a good day. I woke up and it was sunny. I was not depressed or manic, just content. I met with my graduate advisor this morning and we went over my mental state. He asked numerous questions, trying to determine if my good mood was real, or just a wall that I was putting up. I guess that is the problem with having a spiritual counselor (he is not a liscened therapist, but has experience with spiritual care and chaplaincy) as your mentor, each meeting feels like a cross-examination. I explained that I really was in a good mood, that my mind was finally stable and I was able to enjoy life (I am not used to this feeling, in fact, I have become so used to being depressed/manic that stability scares me). We then talked a bit about my plans for leaving school and how that impacted my life. The meeting ended with a discussion about my family and how their visit on Saturday broke up my depression.
That was the highlight of my day. After the meeting I returned to my apartment, smoked and tried to forget everything that was going. I was afraid that my good mood would soon disappear leading me to a horrible episode.
My mind fell into Oblivion.
Hours past as sat in front of my computer watching random shows, waiting for the day to end. As I began to regain control of my mind, I started to wonder what I was afraid of. Why did I get myself so high that I could barley function? Why do I spend so much time and effort avoiding my memories, my thoughts and my brain’s voice (at times I feel like my brain is a living creature, with the ability to talk and comprehend its surroundings)? Why am I afraid of myself? I couldn’t answers these questions.Even now, with a clear mind, I am struggling to understand why I work so hard avoid my thoughts. Maybe I really do need to start seeing a therapist or at least talk with my psych.
Today has been confusing and frustrating.
Well that is all for today. I need to make myself some dinner and try to study for a test.