Struggling with the Elephant in the Room

A Manic Depressive Blog

Archive for the tag “insanity”

It’s a New Day, I’m feeling Slightly Better- Today’s Post is on Ways to Deal with Depression/Mania

A New Day, A new Beginning

A New Day, A new Beginning

So far today has been a lot better then yesterday, I guess writing out my frustrations helped to ease my mind, I still feel the same way, but at least the pain isn’t as bad. The odd thing, is how popular the post is. Maybe everyone wants to read my rants and see how bad my self-hatred is, or maybe it’s the title, or the keywords, or just luck. I’m not really certain, but I’m happy people read it. I’m definitely not perfect, and maybe someone out there read the post and realized they aren’t alone in this crazy world. That some days we just feel so horrible, it’s as if our minds are trying to destroy us. Or other days we feel like we’re drowning in the darkness of depression. But one thing is for certain, we can’t give up, no matter how hard it gets. We all have the strength to survive, we just have to latch onto something. For me, it’s my cat Domino. I love him dearly and he’s helped me over the years. In fact, if it wasn’t for him I don’t know how far I would have gotten. Yes I know a lot of it was me, but it helps to have something to grab onto (it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you can hold on tight and know that it will pull you out of your hell). It also helps to have a hobby; mine’s watching TV and playing video games (I love being able to escape from reality and drift off into a new word that doesn’t demand anything from me or judge me, a place where my depression seems to evaporate and I feel invincible).

I guess that’s what today’s post is going to be about, ways to deal with manic/depressive episodes. For the longest time I suffered from severe mixed episodes and/or rapid cycling (it really depends on which doctor you talk to, as both episode types are very similar). I could have multiple episodes in a day, swinging from severe depression to extreme mania and back again- sometimes this happened in the same hour and it got really stressful, even frightening. There were days I just wanted it all to end and unfortunately I self medicated to compensate. It started with alcohol.

Alcohol is not a good way to deal with depression/mania

Alcohol is not a good way to deal with depression/mania

(www.recoveryoptions.us)

Some quick background: In high school I never drank or used drugs. In fact I never went to parties, or hung out with people after school. When I got to college I was desperate to fit in, so I hung out with the football team and started to drink with them. My first night drinking I blacked out after having over 15 beers. I thought it was great, I was “fitting” and I loved the buzz. I started drinking regularly and would party with the football team. My drinking increased as I tried to keep up with offensive linemen and feel to peer pressure. A few months into my drinking, I went to a party at the baseball house and went crazy, I ended up blacking out for almost 16 hours, waking up in a pool of vomit-well there was vomit everywhere. I convinced myself I would never drink again and it was on that day my anxiety and paranoia was born. The football players messed with my head when I asked them what happened and it escalated to the point where I was afraid to leave my dorm room. I was convinced they were stalking me and trying to destroy my life. I was also convinced everyone else was after me, so I locked myself in my room and only left for class. Because of this, I developed agoraphobia and social anxiety.

As this increased I started to drink again, this time while I was alone. I started spending the weekends at my parent’s house and my dad found out I had been drinking. I thought he was going to be pissed, but it was the opposite, he was ecstatic because he had finally found a drinking buddy.  It was around this time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and to cope with the stress I started drinking excessively. It was the first time I used alcohol to deal with depression…my mom is ok now, she has been in remission for over 8 years…Fast forward a few years. I was working the night shift at a hotel and I was a full blown alcoholic. My doctor was worried that I was killing my liver so she demanded that I stopped drinking. She also prescribed an anti-depressant, which actually led me to quit drinking. But at the same time it caused my mania to grow, I just didn’t know it at the time. I was sober for about a week until I started smoking weed to fill the void. Overtime I developed a heavy habit, I also started to abused pain killers and benzos. Because of the drug abuse my mental stability was shattered. I caused my episodes to increase in intensity and frequency. Eventually I was diagnosed Bipolar type I, with OCD, severe social anxiety, PTSD and addiction. It took me a few years to quit using and by the time I did, I ended up in a mental hospital after dropping out of graduate school (sorry for skipping  a lot of my story, I’m late for work and it there is to much for just one post. I’ll come back to it in the future) and spent the next two years isolated in my apartment while I recovered. During these two years, anxiety increased exponentially and depression became severe. There were times I didn’t think I would make it, but a few things helped me through this period (well that was a lot longer of a background then I had anticipated, but now we are back to the discussion on ways to cope).

Depression

Depression

(jeffreymasson.wordpress.com)

When my depression got really bad, I found that doing something mindless really helped: watching TV, cleaning, playing with Domino, playing video games etc. That Is one of the things I’ve told people to do when dealing with depression (or anxiety, or mania), it doesn’t have to be what I suggested. Rather, the idea is to do something you love, while spending as little effort as possible. The reason is that it allows your mind to relax and escape, you aren’t adding to the stress and you are giving yourself a chance to breath. That’s why I love TV. Not only do I get to relax, but I can lose myself in TV show without spending much effort, further, I can stop anytime I want  or go as long as I want. The idea is to just escape. Another thing I loved to do is listen to a book on tape, the idea is the same as I don’t have to spend much energy and I can let my mind wander and for that bit of time I can forget about my struggles. The goal is to find something you love and to have it available so that if you feel depressed or anxious, or unstable you can help yourself heal. Another thing that helps is talking with someone, just having some human contact can help alleviate the stress and again can help you escape from your worries (you don’t have to do this in person, in fact you could just text). Taking a shower is another great way to relax and the concept once again is similar, allowing your mind to wander and for you to have some quite and some peaceful time where you can forget about your worries.

For me, finding something that allows me to escape into another reality helps almost as much as therapy (furthermore, it allows me to deal with my depression without having resort to illicit drugs. Although there are days where I struggle to keep those thoughts in check, but I’m human and not infallible). Also therapy, for me, helps tremendously but it’s not for everyone. The idea is to find someone you can talk to, who is both willing to listen and provide feedback (it can be a friend, a trusted relative, a teacher, a pastor/rabbi, someone you meet on the street, or even a journal. The reason I put a journal, is that it allows you to get your thoughts and feelings onto paper and in doing so, you can step back and examine what you have been going through. It gives a new perspective that you might not have seen before).

Hope for a better future

Hope for a better future

(wolfhirschhorn.org)

I’m going to end this post with question: how do you deal with depression/mania and do you have any tips or tricks that you do to help keep yourself sane (or at least provide yourself with some comfort)? I’m always looking for ways to help myself when I’m struggling and I know there are things I’ve yet to do.

Wow this has been the longest post I’ve written in quite some time.

I hope you are all well and look forward to hearing from you,

Dave.

Why Do I Spend So much Time Avoiding My Life and Responsibility?? Why Am I So Confused???

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I spend quite a bit of time procrastinating and avoiding my responsibilities. My heart is racing right now because I’m supposed to be outside making sales, but instead I’m sitting on the computer wasting time. I really don’t know why. And the sad thing is my livelihood is on the line- if I don’t make enough money this month I might be homeless, but instead of having the motivation to get out there and hustle, I’m avoiding life and responsibility. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, it drives me crazy that I waste so much time. I really don’t enjoy sitting here doing nothing, especially where it causes my anxiety to increase and in doing so makes it even harder for me to get out.

But I keep doing it.

On top of that, I’m not even spending the extra time working on increasing my blog’s readership, which is something I want to do, but as usual I’ve spent all day doing nothing and disliking every minute of it. I know that I’m lazy, I have been for many years. But what I don’t understand is why I can’t break this fucking habit. I’ve tried over the years to break it, but to no avail.  I just don’t have the drive and/or energy (which is also the same excuse I give for not having friends, or why I’m not interested in dating). I know it sounds pathetic, I fully realize that, I’m disgusted with myself (I know what you are going to say, if you really are so frustrated with yourself why not change. And David don’t tell me “you don’t know” it’s a fucking cop out- which is what I’m screaming at myself right now. Great now I’m having three conversations in my head, this is getting confusing). 

Ugh. This all started senior year of high school. I got accepted to Whittier College at the beginning of the school year and spent the rest of the year doing absolutely nothing. I dropped out of all of my advanced science classes, switched to finite math and stopped doing my homework as I found that I could get A’s on all of my tests my tests and still pass (I did, however, stay in AP English and European history as both subjects were a passion of mine). I convinced myself that I could take the year off because when I started college I’d go back to working hard. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My laziness carried over and I spent little time studying during college; although I did graduate with honors, multiple degrees and I was able graduate a year early. The reason this was possible was due to the fact that all three of my majors (Political Science, History and Religious Studies) were writing intensive (something I’m gifted at) and I was able to figure out how to make each of my AP credits worth triple the amount of college credits. Again, I convinced myself that once I graduated college I would start working hard, but my laziness continued as I found jobs that were made easy by my talents. Fast forward a decade and you can see why I’m struggling to break this habit. 

I really wish I could go back to my senior year of high school and kick my younger self in the ass, to stop this annoying cycle. So I’m really fucking stuck. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be using this as an excuse, but I can’t figure out any other reasoning for my lack of motivation. 

Now that I look back on this post, self-pity bullshit and I’m sorry for subjecting you to this (actually I don’t know what really is going on, my head is throbbing, my heart is racing and I’m having a hard time concentrating. I’m still wasting time when I should be working and it’s stressing me out. I’m ready to cry because I just can’t get it through my fucking head. I don’t know why I keep doing this. I don’t understand why I can’t take responsibility for my life, why do I hide from everything, why do I spend so little time on my life, bitch and moan when things get fucked up and then go to my therapist and tell her how messed up my life is. I’m just a stubborn piece of shit. FUCK I’m still doing it, I’m still going through my self-pity mode and for fuckssake why the hell am I sitting here at my keyboard instead of outside working.

Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself.

Why am I so bent on destroying my life?

Why can’t I take responsibility for my future?

Why the fuck am I so lazy?

I just can’t figure this shit out and now I don’t even know how I’m supposed to fucking make any sales with my head ready to explode on top of that I still owe my friend $300 which I’m supposed to be making right now, but instead I’m still just typing, still just avoiding it. Not to mention the money I owe my parent’s, the rent that I have to pay, the bills I owe, or the fact that I still can’t get myself to shower, still can’t shave, still can’t clean my room, my car, my clothes. I just don’t fucking do anything but complain. What the fuck is my problem??????????????

This is bullshit.

Withdrawal Hell Consumes Me

Today started out so promising, but as the day wore on my withdrawals got worse. Now I’m just a pile of nerves looking for various things to do while I wait for the pain to go away or at least keep my mind off of the constant shivers, muscle spasms, odd tingly feeling, fever aches, nausea and just plain old despair. Whatever you do don’t go on Subutex (and if you do don’t stay on for very long, I’ve been on it for over two years and my body is a slave to it now) , although it helped me immensely, the withdrawals are a bitch. I’m not going to quit as it has kept me away from opiates and I’m afraid that once I go off I’ll go right back to using (and this is true, the subutex is the only thing keeping me from using oxy and heroin, there are times I just want to quit the subutex and go right back to using, but I have to catch myself and remember how bad it got which can be hard due to the opiates becoming a psychological crutch for me when dealing with society. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn’t deal with other people unless I was high, even today I really struggle with this), unfortunately I ran out a few days ago and I’m now in a living hell-maybe this is exactly what I wanted deep down, I tend to do things like this to myself, constantly sabotaging my progress, constantly putting myself through painful situations hoping that one day I crack. And when that happens the lights would truly go out. I just hope that day never comes.

Well that is all for now, I apologize for the short post, but I wanted to get on here and update everyone especially where I stated I’m going to write 30 days straight. I really want to make that goal as it would help greatly with my self-esteem and maybe prove to myself that I can accomplish whatever I want.

Thanks for the previous comments I will be continuing the story tomorrow, hopefully, as long as my mind is somewhat stable.

I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Life Is Confusion and My Mind is Filled With Broken Memories

(www.empowernetwork.com)

I really don’t know how to start this post so I will just write whatever comes to my head. The reason is that I’m scared to write. I scared to accept the fact that I’m a writer and I have something to offer society. And my mind is convinced that if accept that fact, then maybe I actually have a future. For the last 7 years I have been in a non-stop battle royal with my brain. For the longest time I was convinced my brain was a corporeal being that was trying to kill. But after awhile I realized that it was just my self-pity and self-hatred taking over my mind and my body. It was the constant pain of depression and uncontrollable impulses from my mania. So when combined together I had a lethal ticking time bomb of a brain. Eventually I ended up in the hospital, met my current psychiatrist and found my current therapist-both of whom have saved my life and shown me that there is a future for me and that I don’t have to succumb to the dark thoughts in my head. The problem was that I had been so used to the emotional turmoil and endless depression, that I started to sabotage myself (this is examining what happened the last few months, eventually I will go back and write about my pre-hospitalization days but it’s going to take some time as the memories are painful and hard to deal with. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to suppress them. But I think that is part of the problem, so maybe writing about my past can give me some closure) through destructive behavior, drug overdoses, excessive eating, lethargy, agoraphobic isolation and numerous other “activities.”

I was desperate to not accept happiness.

Fear of happiness. Loss of innocence.

(www.zabrinah.com)

For some odd reason I started to believe that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I was worthless and that no one cared about me. I believe these thoughts began in high school, when I was “deathly” afraid dying. I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to breath. When I calmed myself down, my mind started to examine death, the fact that in the near future I would no longer exist, that I would enter an endless void where I no longer thought, acted or spoke, rather I would just disappear from existence. These thoughts haunted me for many years and it got to the point that I had to constantly tell myself “go away bad thoughts” “go away bad thoughts” “go away bad thoughts” over and over again, till the voice and fear of death dissipated. I remember vividly ridding the exercise bike in my parent’s living room while watching a TV show, my mind had begun to wander and thought of death and failure overwhelmed me, it was the first time that my self-hatred began. It was also at that point I finally told my mom I couldn’t remember my childhood; in fact I couldn’t remember anything prior to 5th grade, save for a few disjointed memories (I still don’t remember much of my childhood, which drives me crazy as I have a photographic memory and have the ability to remember places, conversations, emotions and people perfectly, in fact sometimes it’s so vivid that I completely leave reality.

But I can’t remember my childhood.

It’s completely blank.

Absolute nothingness.

Confusion, fear, hopelessness

(vi.sualize.us)

One of my therapist told me it was brain trying to empty itself of useless memories, to allow for new memories to form. Bullshit. If that was the case then why can I remember almost everything that has happened to me since the 5th grade, but prior to that nothing exists. My mom was at first confused, then frustrated, then angry. It was as if I had accused her of being a bad parent and causing me to have a horrible childhood. But that wasn’t the case, in fact the few memory fragments I have left are extremely happy and joyful memories, or at least the emotions that are still left in my mind are those of happiness and love. I had to explain to my mom that it had nothing to do with my upbringing, or my parent’s parenting. Rather, I was convinced it was due to the therapy I had to go through.*

*I need to pull back a bit so as to provide you with some background. At the age of 7 I was diagnosed with ADD by this child psychiatrist my parent’s had found. I remember two things, she gave me poppy seed muffins and had me take the Rorschach test. She was friendly and kind. It seemed like she cared about my well being. I vaguely remember sitting in a chair that was facing her, both of us were sitting in front of a window and across the way in the other room was a massive window overlooking LA (I’m just remembering this, it’s been years since I’ve thought about this psychiatrist and these experiences. I’m surprised I even remember them. But right now I can see myself sitting in front of the psychiatrist while she administers the Rorschach test. According to my parents I also took an IQ test, they refused to tell me what score I had received because they didn’t want me to become like my uncle who had scored genius level on the IQ test and was an arrogant, stubborn and angry scientist. My only guess is that I must have scored as high as my Uncle did, otherwise why would my parents have hid the test from me. They also told me when I was “of age” they would show me my IQ score, but according to my dad it was lost a long time ago. Let’s get back to the story of my diagnosis. Eventually the psychatrist determined that I had ADD, my dad was devastated but my mom who is rock of our family pushed forward and asked what she could do to help me (it took my dad awhile to come to terms with my diagnosis.

He saw it as his fault that I had been born like this and that he had failed as a father. It saddens me to see my dad suffer like this, and although I have talked with my dad about what I’ve gone through, it has only been a few times. Although, my dad did save my life as he talked me through an extremely unstable and violent manic episode. Well now that I think about it, my dad has come around quite a bit as I’ve finally told him about the extent of my drug use and how bad it had gotten. That I had overdosed numerous times and was mentally unstable. I told everything and although I was scared, I was able to finally talk with my dad as son, instead of as a friend (for the longest time all of my conversations with my dad were about sports and politics, nothing else. The reasoning behind this is another complicated matter, lets just leave it as being a result of abusive and unloving parents. Something my dad has fought hard to overcome).

Following my diagnosis, my parents searched for the perfect therapist and they found one in Dr. V. At that point we were given the option of medication or intensive cognitive behavioral therapy.

I’m going to stop this post right here, I know it’s in the middle of the story, but I want to know from readers if you guys are interested in hearing more about my childhood and the struggles I went through while dealing with mental illness at a young age.

I hope you are all doing well and I look forward to hearing from you,

Dave.

Sorry for the absence

For the last week, my life has been an complete mess (more than usual, in fact I had a major breakdown, something that hasn’t happened in a few months) and I have been struggling to get myself to write, but I just wanted to let you know that I will be posting soon. I have a lot to write about, but I just need to make sure my mind is stable enough to re-open this wound.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

It’s Official I’m Depressed

There is not much really to say, just that my depression is back with a vengeance. I know I have been talking about depressive feelings, but this is the first time in awhile that I really really really feel depressed.  Everything has been going wrong today, it feels like I’m going to cry- I wish I could cry but thanks to my meds, crying is not something I can do, which fucking sucks and my life looks like shit.

It is hard for me to admit that I am depressed, because as a kid I was conditioned to believe I was not a depressed person. I was always energetic, bubbly and “up.” When I felt like shit I was told that it would pass, because it was just a momentary feeling and then I was reminded that I was not a depressed person. After being told this numerous times I convinced myself that I don’t suffer from depression, because I’m not a depressed person (the rest of the post is after the picture)

(http://www.lonvig.biz/sad-days-indeed.htm)

So when I first started experiencing multiple depressive episodes, I was convinced it wasn’t depression but rather a weak point in my life. It just was not normal. Even when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I still was believed that I was not depressive person….sorry this post is not going anywhere. To speed this up, basically I had a revelation in the last few months that I really do suffer from depression. This is the first time in my life that I am not suffering from mixed episodes

*(a mixed episode is when you experience both mania and depression. In my experience a mixed episode is when you have a tremendous amount of energy, your ego is massive, you loose all inhibitions, your mind races-sometimes there are voices, and on top of all of that you don’t care you are going to die. In fact life seems so worthless, that you will do anything to end it in a very dramatic way. So not only are you in hyper-state, but the depression forces you into this very dangerous situation. I don’t know if this explains mixed episodes well, but essentially its an extreme combination of both mania and depression. It is one the worst experiences you will ever have, in fact I ended up in the psych because of a really bade mixed episode. In my life I have had quite a few mixed episodes, and there were numerous times I should have been hospitalized. Luckily, I survived them all).

rather I’m experiencing only depression. So, now that I have gotten that out, I’m going to return to not crying, watch shitty tv shows and complaining about how horrible my life is, until I finally pass out from exhaustion. All I know is that I really do not like being depressed.

If you guys have any tips on how I can make myself feel a little better during this wonderous depressive episode, I would love to hear them. Also I wanted to thank both detritusmind and Kathryn for leaving those amazing comments on my last post, they really did help me out :) Click their names to visit their blogs, both of which are must reads!!!

I hope you are all having a better day than I am,

Dave.

My Obsessions keep Switching, It’s driving me Nuts

As the title states, my obsession for various activities keeps switching and I’m going a little crazy. For the last week or so its been writing, now its competitive gaming, next week it will be something different unless I can figure out a way to contain it. I want to keep writing because this is a major step in my healing process. If I stop blogging my depression will become worse, causing my paranoia to grow and my anxiety to explode, which in turn would essentially send me back to the hospital, something I really want to avoid. Yes this sounds a little extreme, but I wouldn’t put it past my brain to do something like that (to this day I’m convinced my brain is a corporeal being that has been trying to destroy me since birth). *sorry, my writing is really off right now,  I’m running on adrenaline, little sleep and lots of frustration so I am going to keep this post short.

My problem right now is that I need to find a way to overcome my obsessions, something I have struggled with all my life. I really want to continue writing, but I can feel my mind loosing interest because it wants to move onto other obsessions which is really frustrating me. Writing is what I love to do. It is  what I was born to do and every time I start to write again, I get obsessed with it, then quit because I move onto another obsession. I don’t know how to control this, because if this keeps going on I will never be able to get well again because I can’t get myself to stay on one thing, and if I am working on a single I have to be obsessing about it. I can’t contain this and I’m scared. I want to continue writing and that is why I am forcing myself to write this post, my mind does not want to write but I want to.  I’m having an internal struggle right now, that is making me dizzy.

I am going to try my hardest to continue posting. I know I have quit quite a few times in the last few years, but I want to make an effort to continue on. So please be patient with me, because I am trying to keep myself writing. Hopefully this is just a feeling I am having right now and it passes. Maybe if I keep forcing myself to write I can continue on and if that is the case, then I am going to need all of my personal energy. Well this post turned out longer than I thought it would, so I guess that is a positive. Sorry for the jumbled post, but I needed to express the feelings I am struggling with, I needed to tell someone.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

 

Manic Depressive Illness- Avoidance, Panic Attacks and Lack of Motivation

This has been one strange week. I have been avoiding my life, escaping into video games and TV shows, hoping that the world would just go away. I was afraid to write, I was afraid to go outside and I was afraid to live. My anxiety has been at an all-time high, causing me to think irrationally- I thought the whole world was out to get me (I do take a med for anxiety, however, it doesn’t always work), so I just quit functioning. As a result, I stopped doing the one thing that makes me happy: writing.

I guess I overwhelmed myself, I thought I was ready to start another blog and expand my writing, but in doing so I completely collapsed and gave up on everything. It’s frustrating because I’m still unstable; I thought I had made progress in my mental health, but I guess I was wrong. I want to be ambitious, I want to move forward and do something with my life, but at the moment I can’t.

End of self-pity mode

Sorry about the previous paragraphs- I  needed to expel/verbalize the frustration I’ve been holding in all week, so that I can move forward. For the time being I’m going to spend all of my energy on this blog and maybe in a few months I will start up the religion blog. I love this blog to much to let it die because of my fears, paranoia and avoidance. Hopefully I will write a bigger post in the next few days.

Post questions:

How do you get yourself out of a rut (it can be depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, paranoia, mania)?

And if you have low motivation, what can you do to jump-start your mind?

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Open Thread Wednesday- How Can we Defeat the Mental Health Stigma? (Comments Wanted)

Although we are in the 21st century, Mental Illness is still looked down upon by a large portion of society.  As such, I want to open up today’s post so that you all can voice your opinion. The last open post went so well, that I wanted to do it again.

Possible discussion questions:

How have you been impacted the mental health stigma? What is your story?

What can we do to change society? Is it even possible to make a difference?

Do you believe there is still a stigma surrounding Mental health?

Is there discrimination in the workplace/school/other? Have you told your boss about your Mental Health?

 

These are only a few possible discussion questions, if you  have other ideas please utilize this post. I hope you will join in the open discussion :)

Dave.

Manic Depressive Illness: An Unknown Episode- Or Why I’m Haunted by my Past

Every once in a while I experience a bizarre and crippling episode, that forces me to reminisce about my past. I know it doesn’t sound that bad, but when it hits I’m overwhelmed by a sense of dread, paranoia, anxiety and fear. I start thinking about how shitty my life is, which then evolves into depression and suicidal thoughts. What makes it even worse is that I don’t know what triggers it or why it happens.  Since I was diagnosed with manic-depressive illness, I’ve only encountered this “unknown episode” a few times.

Last night I experienced one of these “unknown episodes.”

I had just finished eating dinner and I was trying to clean up. As I was walking to the sink I started getting this feeling that something was wrong. My mind wasn’t racing, the voice in my head was quiet and I wasn’t depressed,  so I ignored it (I don’t know how this post will turn out, my memory is spotty because the episode only lasted a few minutes). After cleaning my plates, I started calling for Domino and he rushed into the kitchen. Then it hit me. I almost fell to my knees as I was overcome by a sense of failure and regret. I started getting flashbacks of my past, my high school years, when I wasn’t a complete mess. It felt like my life was over and that I had no reason to live. I couldn’t breath. Memories of my youth overwhelmed me, causing me to loose control of my mind. I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to be the failure that I was, and I didn’t want to be crazy.  One thought started swirling around in my head: Why had my life fallen apart?  

It felt like my head was going to explode and it took all of my energy to pull myself out of it. Slowly the thoughts began to disappear-the memories stopped, the feeling of failure went away and I started gaining control of my mind. However, the damage was done and the frightening part was that I really wanted to die.

As I stated above, I don’t know what caused the episode and that’s what scares me. I don’t know how to prepare myself for the next episode.  So I want to ask you guys, have you ever experienced something like this? And what should I do to prepare myself or protect myself from this “episode?”

I’m going to stop here, my mind is all over the place. Unfortunately, I’ve spent the entire day (I started at 11am)  sitting in front of my computer and drinking coffee. I know it’s not very healthy, but I’ve been trying to avoid the world around me.

Dave.

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