Fear of the Unknown Has led to my Avoidance of Life

After talking  to a friend tonight, I realized why I have been avoiding numerous  aspects of my life- I’m afraid of going to my new group tomorrow. I know I wrote about this subject last week, however,  I never actually made it to the group.  Unfortunately I succumbed to my anxiety, got myself sick and convinced myself to not go (I had three chances and I  missed all three). However, on Thursday I saw my therapist and he made me promise him I would go to the new group. That was the easy part, in fact I was enthusiastic about going; telling my therapist  I was really looking forward to getting out of my apartment and meeting new people. The enthusiasm did not stop, as I saw my mom later that afternoon and told her I would not miss the group. In fact, when I was finally alone, I convinced myself that everything was going to be ok and that the group would be a great opportunity to push myself towards further stability.

Well, as I realized tonight, I was not ok.

In fact, my life crumbled and instead of talking with someone, I ignored the problem. For the last few days, I have spent at least 10 hours a day in front of my computer. That was 10 straight hours without getting up (well, let me retract that I did get up a few times to use the restroom and make coffee, but besides that I did nothing else), completely losing myself on the internet.  Currently my head is spinning and my eyes hurt from staring at the monitor for so long. I lost so many hours when I could have been doing things I really wanted to (writing, playing video games, going outside, going to a friends house, making myself productive) instead I just sat in-front of the computer reading random articles.

(http://www.wdavidphillips.com/wp-content/uploads/fear1.jpg)

I know this might not seem “destructive,” however, my mind never stopped working during this period. In fact, it would never stop, thoughts would constantly slam around in my head, causing me to become more and more paranoid. My mind was on auto pilot and I could not control it. Sometimes I would just scream because my mind would not stop working. Which is pretty funny, because I worked so hard to release my mind from the seroquel. When I was on the high dose of seroquel I had no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, I was just blank. But now that I have my brain back, I can’t stand it. My life is just fucked no matter how you look at. To make things worse, the only thing that seemed to contain my brain  (outside of the seroquel) was the illicit drugs that I was addicted too (I’ve been sober for almost 5  months). I can’t start using again, because that would destroy all of my progress, but I can’t control my brain because the meds I’m on don’t work as well as the pain killers. As I said my life is frustrating.

But what makes it worse, is that all of this pain, is due to my fear of going to a new meeting. My life is a mess right now because I am extremely afraid of meeting new people- I’m afraid of what they will say, what they won’t say and how they will look at me, among other fears. The last time I joined a new group it took me almost 4 months to get used to them. I don’t trust anyone because of abuse I have gone through. How can I trust someone else, when I think that they are going to try and destroy me? When I meet someone new, all I can think about is the pain they will cause me, because that is what humans do: hurt other people and take advantage of them. How can I talk with a new person who is most likely going to ruin my life?

This was a really painful post for me to write and I apologize for not using the same tense (and in my opinion this was a really shitty post, well I think all of my writing is shit, because to me I am a completely worthless, pathetic sack of shit. Having been told that some many times, I believe it now, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror due to my disgust-I’ve been struggling with very low-self confidence for quite a few years and it has been really hard to break it).

Sorry for the dark ending, I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Avoidance and Anxiety

I’ve spent most of the weekend (well actually the last few days) avoiding blog posting. It is really frustrating because I thought I had gotten myself back into posting, but like clockwork I’ve spent most of the week avoiding it. Avoidance comes so easily to me, I don’t even have to think about it. I just get myself distracted, complain that I’m not writing (or doing whatever activity I am  avoiding) and before I know it, weeks have gone by and I’ve spent most of that time doing nothing. I fucking hate when I do this, but my subconscious mind loves to fuck with me. As I stated this has become second-nature. I’ve been fighting this habit (and losing) for almost a decade. There are dozens of activities that I have given up on because I started avoiding them, even though I really liked doing them.

I know this paragraph is repetitive, but I needed to forced myself to write something, to try and remind myself that I actually like to write. Hopefully I can re-motivate myself, because I really do want to continue writing.

I hope you are all having a great weekend and hopefully I will post again in the next few days,

Dave.

I’m Deathly Afraid of New Things- Anxiety Strikes Again!!

Well I didn’t make it to the bipolar/depression support group, because I was too scared to go.  As usual, I forced myself to become a paranoid wreck- talking to myself out loud, muttering random things I caused my brain to spin out control; thoughts and sounds bounced around in my head, which eventually became bits of music that increased in volume and pushed me into a hole of despair, where a voice started talking (I don’t know if that was me thinking or if it was another person in my head)- telling me that if I went to the support group, I would be laughed at, ridiculed, belittled and forced to walk away in shame. The voice told me I could not leave…all I  know is that I was confused, scared and fucking crazy. I was rocking back in forth in my chair, soaked in sweat and all I could think about was throwing up.

I just don’t understand myself; none of this is fucking rational!! I know that if I went to the support group, I would have a good time and most likely learn something new. But my brain just wouldn’t let me go. Every time I have to do something new, I end up making myself extremely paranoid and deeply sick. I don’t know how to break this cycle. The medication doesn’t work, the therapy hasn’t helped and talking with other people just makes the problem worse. I just want to fucking scream!!!! (more after pic)

(http://megancorbett.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Anxiety.jpeg)

As a result, I have been stuck in this fucking apartment, restrained by my anxiety and paranoia. I really want to get out and meet new people, but my brain just won’t let me. So my connection to the outside world is restricted to my laptop and the internet. In fact I’m a member of few forums, where I constantly talk to new people. Further, through this blog I met a woman who has become a very close and dear friend. Although we live on the opposite sides of US we have been texting on and off the last few years. But I am only able to do this, because I am hided behind my computer and phone.

It’s just not fucking rational.

I never used to be like this. In fact, when I was in high school I was extremely gregarious. I didn’t have many close friends, but I had dozens of acquaintances. By my senior year I knew almost everyone in my class (we had over 500 people in our class) as well as a bunch of the underclassmen. Everyday I shook people’s hands, talked with them and constantly met new people.

At that time I loved to talk, especially with strangers. This carried on into my college years and beyond. My first job when I graduated college, was as a union organizer (I worked for UNITE-HERE, the largest hotel union in the country), which required me to be in constant contact with new people.  In fact, I was made into an underground organizer (union salt). I had to integrate myself into a hotel and help the union create a structure that would eventually lead to a strike. Not only was I a union organizer, I was also a night auditor (over night supervisor for the front desk.).

It was at this point my life changed. I became addicted to pain killers and I was constantly abused by my managers. It was both physical and psychological abuse that cause caused deep scars. I still have nightmares of those days.

*I want to pull back a second and apologize for this post becoming a confused mess. I didn’t know how this post was going to go and my life has been so frustrating that I just needed to get this out. Writing is the only way I can understand my problems*

For the next few years, I went from job to job, not knowing what I was going to do with my life.  What made matters worse was that every job I went to, the boss would psychologically abuse me. I was told over and over and over and over again that I worthless. I was told that I could do nothing because I was a piece of shit. I was screamed at, I was made fun of, I was put down, I was degraded and I was destroyed. Unfortunately, abuse seemed to follow me and it got to a point that I began to believe I was worthless. All the self confidence that I had as a kid was destroyed. All the happiness that I enjoyed was taken away. By the time I ended up in the psych ward I was shell of myself. To make matters worse, my manic depression spiraled out of control and my addictions consumed me.

I had no future.

Luckily I was forced to go to the psych ward, because it helped turned my life around. It has been almost a year since I was committed and my depression and mania is under control. I see psychiatrist, a therapist and I go to a sobriety meeting once a week.

But I’m still not “stable.” Because of the abuse, I am still a shell of myself, trapped in this apartment. I hope that I can change; I hope I can overcome these problems and break free of these chains. But at the moment, all I can do is bask in the wondrous glory of anxiety, despair and paranoia. (more post after the pic)

(http://www.studio-international.co.uk/studio-images/munch/Despair_b.jpg)

If you are also chained by anxiety, ptsd, depression, mania, ocd etc I would love to hear your story. If you are able, please share them in the comment section. Your comments are the one thing that keeps me going, reminding me I am not alone in this fucked up journey.

I hope you are all well!

Dave.

Hiya, A Break from the Depression

For the last few days I have tried to write this post. Each time I sit down, I open my blog, click the new post button, create a title and then quit- convincing myself I can’t write and that all I am good at is watching TV and beating myself up.  I have gotten really good at convincing myself I am not good at anything, in fact, I have pretty much given up on all activities and spend most of my time staring at the computer screen, telling myself I am worthless and wishing that I was no longer depressed. This cycle goes on everyday.

and yet here I am, actually writing! I guess there is hope for me.

(manualdeladepresion.blogspot.com)

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my psychiatrist put me on lamictal for depression, it seems to be working.  Although I am skeptical, because I  have yet to find a cure for depression, I am happy that the darkness has receded a bit. And I’m slightly sad- as fucked up as this sounds I do miss the depression. I’m so used to being depressed and so scared of being manic, that I miss the darkness.

Sorry for the jumbled post, I’m really tired (I sleep during the day and stay up at night and I haven’t had much sleep the last few days). But, I wanted to make sure I got this post out, in hopes that I can convince myself to write more consistently. I want to thank everyone for the comments, I will be responding to them soon, it just might take me a bit of time. I have read them all, and they all have helped me during this dark time. I want to encourage everyone to participate in the discussions, as you are all an important part of this blog.

How do you deal with depression? What are your depression stories?

I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

My Life is Ruled by Obsessions and I can’t Stop Them!

Every time I think I have something under control another problem arises. About two weeks ago my psychiatrist put me on lamictal for depression and as a replacement for Seroquel. I had been on Seroquel for over two years and at my peak I was taking 900mg a day. The problem was that the side effects became unbearable. In fact, it got so bad that I lost my short term memory and my motivation. This made it almost impossible to converse with other people because in the middle of speaking I would forget what I was talking about and struggle to remember basic words. During this period I would spend hours doing nothing, staring at my computer screen in a complete daze. This period of  my life lasted for over three months, until I realized that Seroquel was the cause of my problems. When I dropped my dosage, the side effects began to disappear and eventually my short term memory returned. However, another problem arose- depression. By decreasing my  Seroquel, I no longer had the ability to control my depression and as a result, I fell into dark emotional hole.

Fast forward six months and my psychiatrist and I finally found a way to stop the depression: lamictal. As I noted above I have been on lamictal for about two weeks and amazingly it has reduced my depression. I no longer feel the deep dread and mental darkness that had consumed me for the last six months. Instead I am now consumed by extreme anxiety and OCD. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, because every time I cure one problem another one arises and it’s driving me fucking crazy. Everyday I do the exact same thing (more after the picture):

(http://knowocd.wordpress.com/)

I wake up between 5 and 7 pm (I sleep during the day and stay up at night), roll up my blanket, put my chairs away (i’m afraid to sleep in my bedroom, so I sleep on a chair in my living room) and put my blanket in another room. I then make a cup of coffee,  turn on laptop and sit down. I first log into my blog and bemoan the fact that I  no longer  write, I beat myself up for being a waste of space and then close my blog in disgust. Next I search for Kotaku (a video game website) and from there I start reading their articles, which usually sends me to other articles on other sites.  For the next 5-6 hours I read countless articles, journals and papers on a wide range of topics, the only time I leave is to go to the bathroom or make a cup of coffee. I forgot, about 2 hours into my reading, I realize that I have yet to take my pills, so I search for my trileptal (a mood-stabilizing drug that  is also used for anti-convulsion)  and subutex (a generic semi-synthetic opioid used to stop my cravings for pain killers) which is taken sublingual and dissolves in one hour. During that time I am still reading. After six hours of reading and 5 cups of coffee, I realize that I have wasted most of the early evening and I start beating myself up. As I do everyday, I complain to myself that I spend way to much time on the internet when I could be doing other things. This usually goes on for 20 minutes, during which I get dressed to go out and get food.

By this time it’s usually 12:30 or 1 am. There is only one restaurant that is open, Alerto’s Mexican food.  They only take cash, so I have to go to 7-11 to buy a breakfast bar and receive cash back. I then race across the street, enter the drive through and order a burrito, a cheese quesadilla and a torta. I pull up to the window and hand the money to teller making sure I do not make eye contact. I’m to scared to look someone I don’t know in the eyes. Out side of saying thank you, I do not speak to the teller, it is way to scary to make small talk. About 10 minutes later I receive my food, race home, wash my dishes, make another cup of coffee, put out towels in front of my computer, turn on netflix and watch a TV show while eating. When I finish eating, I throw everything away and return to watching my show. When the show ends I have two options, continue watching the show for the rest of the night or play video games. The decision is usually based on how depressed I am- if I’m extremely depressed I watch TV.  This goes on till around 7:30 am, at which time I realize I have to go to be.

This is where the next obsession starts. I turn off my computer.  I then collect all of medication bottles place them in a circle on my desk, in front of my computer. I then go to the bathroom, wipe the grease off my face, complain that I don’t brush my teeth, which then causes me to beat myself up again. After a few minutes, I collect my clothes which are on my floor, go into my bedroom, put on some shorts, exit my bedroom and walk towards my table. I then make sure everything is in its right place. I then go to the oven and make sure every dial is set at off, where the line goes evenly through the word off, because if its not perfect then I am convinced it will  turn on while I’m  asleep and I will suffocate and die. From there, I make sure every object on all of my counters are in the right spot, because if  they are not I’m afraid they will fall and if I have to go to the bathroom I will trip on them, fall, break my neck and die. I then go back into my bedroom and get my blanket. Afterwards I check the window in my bedroom, making sure its in the right place because if it’s not, then someone will break in and slit my throat while I’m sleeping.  I then make my way out of my bedroom and recheck everything I had previously checked, because if I don’t I will die.

From there, I go to my front door, check spend the next 10 minutes checking my door knob,  making sure the door is  really locked, because if it’s  not perfect someone will break in and slit my throat. From there I check my blinds, over and over and over again, making sure they are perfect, because if they are not someone will break in. Finally, I make my way to my chair, fall into it and pass out.

As you can see, all of my obsessions revolve around the fear that someone or something will kill me. Because of that, I do the same exactly thing everyday, in the exact same way.

My life is completely fucked. I’m sorry about the really really long post, but I needed to talk about this, because everything seems to be falling apart. The reason why I was able to motivate myself to post is because I spilled coffee all over my laptop. Its fucking dead, I killed another fucking laptop and I don’t know why I keep doing this.  My life is completely ruled by my obsessions and they won’t stop.

Dave.

Depression, Depression, Depression and Anxiety

I seem to be floating around a mental purgatory. Every time I get close to stabilizing myself, a new problem arises. Lately I’ve been working with my psych and therapist to get my depression under control.

I’ve been depressed for almost six months, this is the longest depressive episode I’ve had. What makes it worse is that its not consistent, it fluctuates- one day I’m mildly depressed, the next extremely depressed. However, in the last few months my episodes have been cycling even faster- within a day I could go from really really really depressed to somewhat stable, back to really depressed and then mildly depressed. My mood is constantly shifting and to make things worse my OCD, anxiety and paranoia are out of control.

As I noted above every time I get close to stability, I fall into a new problem. Monday, I saw my pscyh and he put me on Lamictal for depression, we are starting at 25mg for a week and then next week I go up to 50mg. The Lamictal seems to be working, however, I’m having a real hard time swallowing the pill.

It’s in the shape of a diamond, very small, sharp edges. The second time I took it, the pill got stuck in my throat and cut it up. As a result, every time I get ready to take the pill I start to freak out- I get really anxious, I start breathing heavily, my thoughts start racing, I get sick to my stomach and I feel like I’m going to pass out. Which is exactly what happened this morning- I forced myself to take the pill and even though I was able to swallow it, I was still really paranoid. I ended up making myself sick, causing myself to have the hiccups which made me even more anxious. I could’t go to sleep, because I was convinced that if went to sleep with the hiccups I would suffocate and die. (More after the pic)

An hour later, I finally finally got the hiccups to stop. I was dead tired, stressed out and extremely pale. I spent the next 30 min checking my apartment, going through my nightly (well actually I go to sleep in the morning) routine, making sure everything was in its place. I checked the dials on the oven, making sure the line on the oven split the word “off” in half. I was convinced that if I didn’t align the dials, the oven would some how turn on, and deadly fumes would rush out into my apartment, causing me to suffocate in my sleep. It took me awhile to realize it, but my OCD was out of control. The example I provided above is only one of the many “things” I check before I go to sleep. Maybe in a future post I will go over my obsessive compulsions.

Let us return to my original topic, struggling to swallow the Lamictal pill and then making myself sick: I eventually made my way to my chair (I don’t sleep in my bedroom, I get too paranoid if I sleep in another room because I’m convinced that someone will break into my apartment, slip into my bedroom and either suffocate me or slit my throat), a large, soft recliner that my dad had found at a Jewish Center sale, sat down and fell asleep.

My sleep was fucking horrible, I had four dreams and in each dream I died. It felt real and the pain was beyond horrible. After each time I died, I woke up, turned onto one of my sides and fell back asleep. All of this psychological pain was due to my fear of taking the Lamictal pill. It is completely irrational, and yet I forced myself to fall apart. I consider myself a pretty rational person, and yet I allow myself to fall into extremely irrational episodes.

My OCD and anxiety confuses and scares me. I hope that one day I will be able to overcome these irrational thoughts, but at the moment my mind is completely controlled by my obsessions.

I want to apologize for not posting the last few weeks (I feel really bad that I constantly start and stop writing, telling you guys that I am back, and then falling off the face of the earth a week later. I feel extremely ashamed that I constantly do this, I don’t know how to motivate myself to consistently write. And what frustrates me the most is that writing makes me happy, in fact its the only thing that makes me happy) I’ve been struggling with depression which has completely eliminated my motivation. Also, please forgive my horrible writing, my mind is still a mess.

I hope you are all doing well and maybe I will be able to post again in the next few days. To end this, I was wondering if any of you would be willing to comment about your depression, anxiety, ocd or paranoia in the comment section. I think it would be a great opportunity for all of us to be able to talk about a struggles.

Again I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Sorry for the absence

For the last week, my life has been an complete mess (more than usual, in fact I had a major breakdown, something that hasn’t happened in a few months) and I have been struggling to get myself to write, but I just wanted to let you know that I will be posting soon. I have a lot to write about, but I just need to make sure my mind is stable enough to re-open this wound.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

It’s Official I’m Depressed

There is not much really to say, just that my depression is back with a vengeance. I know I have been talking about depressive feelings, but this is the first time in awhile that I really really really feel depressed.  Everything has been going wrong today, it feels like I’m going to cry- I wish I could cry but thanks to my meds, crying is not something I can do, which fucking sucks and my life looks like shit.

It is hard for me to admit that I am depressed, because as a kid I was conditioned to believe I was not a depressed person. I was always energetic, bubbly and “up.” When I felt like shit I was told that it would pass, because it was just a momentary feeling and then I was reminded that I was not a depressed person. After being told this numerous times I convinced myself that I don’t suffer from depression, because I’m not a depressed person (the rest of the post is after the picture)

(http://www.lonvig.biz/sad-days-indeed.htm)

So when I first started experiencing multiple depressive episodes, I was convinced it wasn’t depression but rather a weak point in my life. It just was not normal. Even when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I still was believed that I was not depressive person….sorry this post is not going anywhere. To speed this up, basically I had a revelation in the last few months that I really do suffer from depression. This is the first time in my life that I am not suffering from mixed episodes

*(a mixed episode is when you experience both mania and depression. In my experience a mixed episode is when you have a tremendous amount of energy, your ego is massive, you loose all inhibitions, your mind races-sometimes there are voices, and on top of all of that you don’t care you are going to die. In fact life seems so worthless, that you will do anything to end it in a very dramatic way. So not only are you in hyper-state, but the depression forces you into this very dangerous situation. I don’t know if this explains mixed episodes well, but essentially its an extreme combination of both mania and depression. It is one the worst experiences you will ever have, in fact I ended up in the psych because of a really bade mixed episode. In my life I have had quite a few mixed episodes, and there were numerous times I should have been hospitalized. Luckily, I survived them all).

rather I’m experiencing only depression. So, now that I have gotten that out, I’m going to return to not crying, watch shitty tv shows and complaining about how horrible my life is, until I finally pass out from exhaustion. All I know is that I really do not like being depressed.

If you guys have any tips on how I can make myself feel a little better during this wonderous depressive episode, I would love to hear them. Also I wanted to thank both detritusmind and Kathryn for leaving those amazing comments on my last post, they really did help me out Click their names to visit their blogs, both of which are must reads!!!

I hope you are all having a better day than I am,

Dave.

My Obsessions keep Switching, It’s driving me Nuts

As the title states, my obsession for various activities keeps switching and I’m going a little crazy. For the last week or so its been writing, now its competitive gaming, next week it will be something different unless I can figure out a way to contain it. I want to keep writing because this is a major step in my healing process. If I stop blogging my depression will become worse, causing my paranoia to grow and my anxiety to explode, which in turn would essentially send me back to the hospital, something I really want to avoid. Yes this sounds a little extreme, but I wouldn’t put it past my brain to do something like that (to this day I’m convinced my brain is a corporeal being that has been trying to destroy me since birth). *sorry, my writing is really off right now,  I’m running on adrenaline, little sleep and lots of frustration so I am going to keep this post short.

My problem right now is that I need to find a way to overcome my obsessions, something I have struggled with all my life. I really want to continue writing, but I can feel my mind loosing interest because it wants to move onto other obsessions which is really frustrating me. Writing is what I love to do. It is  what I was born to do and every time I start to write again, I get obsessed with it, then quit because I move onto another obsession. I don’t know how to control this, because if this keeps going on I will never be able to get well again because I can’t get myself to stay on one thing, and if I am working on a single I have to be obsessing about it. I can’t contain this and I’m scared. I want to continue writing and that is why I am forcing myself to write this post, my mind does not want to write but I want to.  I’m having an internal struggle right now, that is making me dizzy.

I am going to try my hardest to continue posting. I know I have quit quite a few times in the last few years, but I want to make an effort to continue on. So please be patient with me, because I am trying to keep myself writing. Hopefully this is just a feeling I am having right now and it passes. Maybe if I keep forcing myself to write I can continue on and if that is the case, then I am going to need all of my personal energy. Well this post turned out longer than I thought it would, so I guess that is a positive. Sorry for the jumbled post, but I needed to express the feelings I am struggling with, I needed to tell someone.

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

 

Manic Depressive Illness: Why Sleep is my new Drug

This post is going to be short. For the last day or so I have been trying to write, unfortunately nothing wants to come out of my head (note: I am sorry that I have not responded to all of the comments on my last posts, I read them all and I really love the support! However, I am really struggling with following up on them, I will eventually respond but it will take some time. So please continue commenting, because your responses are an important/essential part of this blog). I’m still struggling with motivation and as I write this post I am fighting to stay awake. My mind keeps telling me that I need to lay down and close my eyes. The thought of sleeping really excites me, because it is the only time I can be myself, it is the only time I am not afraid of the world, it is the only time I can live out my fantasies without the fear of rejection or ridicule.

To me, sleep is the ultimate drug. In fact at this moment, it is the only drug I can use. Sobriety has been a real struggle for me- because for the last seven years I was either drunk or high. That was seven years of avoiding my problems, my emotions, my fears and paranoia. During my drug and alcohol stupor, I had no emotions and the thoughts in my head were quiet. When I quit using, my mind was flooded by unwanted emotions and thoughts; it was a horrible experience that I am still recovering from. As such, I have been searching for a replacement, something to quiet my mind- sleep.

Because of the medications I am on, my dreams are extremely vivid. Sometimes I can’t even tell if I am dreaming and that truly excites me. The one downside is that I sleep way too much. Most nights (well days, because I sleep during the day and stay up at night) I sleep about 13-15 hours, which eliminates most of my day leaving me with very little time to do the things I love: read, write and play video games. As such, I have falling deeper and deeper into depression, because I have become completely reliant on sleeping and I am unable to do anything else. It is so hard for me to get up and it is driving me fucking mad. At the moment I am stuck, I want to change but I have no clue what to do.

Does anyone else use sleep as a “drug” or escape from reality? How have you dealt with sleeping too much? And for those who are addicts, how do you deal with sobriety? What gives you the motivation to keep going?

I want to end this post with a picture from graffiti artist Banksy:

(http://www.facebook.com/pages/Banksy/39713792073)

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend and I look forward to hearing from you

Dave.