Thank You for All of the Amazing Comments and Support

As I said in the title thank you for commenting, discussing, supporting and relating to my struggles. This means the world to me. The last week has been a living nightmare. Every day I woke up, I was drowning in darkness and despair. My depression was at an all time high and to make things worse I was also struggling with crippling anxiety and paranoia – essentially this was a mixed episode and the last time I had one I was locked up in a psych ward.

For five days I was desperate to have the pain end and midway through my episode I wanted my life to end. I’m not suicidal, but I have had thoughts of death before and this time I truly wanted to die. I thought my life was pointless.

However, a day later I contacted one of my friends and asked for help. This was a huge step for me as I rarely reach out to other human beings.  But it was the right thing to do. My friend spent the next few hours texting and talking with me.  She reassured me, provided me with support and listened to my struggles. By the time our conversation ended, I felt a lot better. Although I was still depressed, I had confidence to continue fighting. Because I reached out and asked for help, I was able to overcome my mixed episode and realize that that my life is not pointless.

Currently I’m not depressed, or anxious, or paranoid, or manic. In fact, I feel great. What made this possible was seeing all of the amazing comments that have been left on my previous post.  My goal is to read through all of them and try to respond to as many as possible.

Again thank you for your support and your stories. The goal of this blog is to become a forum for people who struggle with mental illness and to be a safe place for people to discuss, comment and tell their stories.

I would love to hear more of your stories. How many of you have had a mixed episode? How many of you have spent time in a psych ward? And does anyone have any tips on how to overcome depression?

I hope you are all doing well! And remember, stay strong and never give up!!!

Dave.

Domino says hi And here is a picture of baby Domino

 

My Struggle with Anxiety/OCD- An example of my Confusing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

*Thank you so much for all of the comments and support. You have helped me so much and I hope you also feel better being able to comment and talk about your stories. My goal is to read all of the comments and respond to as many comments as I can. Further, if you like this post, please visit my latest post: Again thank you for all of your comets and I look forward to our future discussions

Although I’m moving closer to stability, my anxiety refuses to go away.  Last week was an anxiety filled nightmare. I made myself sick (something I used to do as a kid), convinced myself that someone or something was following me and I almost collapsed from fear of germs. It’s frustrating because every time I get closer to “normality” I end forcing myself to fall apart (well I don’t know if I’m consciously doing this, but something deep in my psyche is working against me). In fact, even with my medication my life is consumed by my obsessions…

For me to leave my apartment or go to sleep, I have to check everything to make sure it’s in the right place. I walk in circles examining various things because I’m convinced that if I don’t I will end up dying. If the word “off” on the oven knobs are not evenly split by the line marker (I don’t know what the line is called, it’s the mark you use to determine the level of heat the oven produces), I fear that the oven will turn on and fill my apartment with toxic gas causing me to suffocate in my sleep (or create a combustible environment where the apartment would explode when I open the front door). I then check all of the items on my kitchen counters out of fear that they will fall onto the floor, causing me to trip and break my while walking to the bathroom (during the night). From there I go to the bathroom and make sure that it is exactly the same as it was the day before (oddly, there is nothing that causes me fear here, it has just become part of my obsessive routine). Once I’ve checked the bathroom I then examine my TV, making sure that my protective movie stacks are in place so that my cat won’t jump up there and knock the TV over (I sleep on chair in my living room and the TV is right in front of me).

At this point I usually realize that I have wasted a tremendous amount of time, so I force myself to rush towards my next task: checking the front door. I have to touch each lock and door chain, making sure they are in place. I then relock the door handle, grip it and turn it 12 times. For me to be able to release the door knob it cannot make any noise, as I’m convinced that if it does the door is not really locked and someone could walk into my apartment and slit my throat while I was sleeping. This process usually lasts 10-15 minutes and always makes my anxiety worse. Once I’m satisfied the door is locked I move on to my last task: making sure the window blinds are fully closed. I walk back and forth while counting to three. I then move to the middle of the window where I look up and down making sure that the top, middle and bottom are closed. By this point I’m usually ready to pass out, so I go to my chair, sit down and look backwards to make sure everything is truly closed. (I apologize for this confusing/jumbled paragraph, as my anxiety has increased causing me to struggle with my ability to write. Hopefully it was readable).

Although the ending part deals with me going to sleep, the process is essentially the same when I try to go outside. When I’m really, really, really anxious/nervous this process can last for over an hour and a half.

—–

This obsession drives me crazy because it’s completely irrational. I’ve been doing this for over a year and although I feel better, I can’t get rid of this pointless process. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I won’t die I can’t seem to stop myself.

Well that is all I can write at the moment. This post was hard to produce, as it forced me to confront my anxiety and obsessions.

I was wondering if any of my readers have had similar experiences and stories? Further if you have dealt with anxiety, do you have any tips to overcome these obsessions?

I hope you are all having a great week

Dave.

Ps. My cat domino says hi and hopes everyone is doing well

It’s Official I’m Depressed

There is not much really to say, just that my depression is back with a vengeance. I know I have been talking about depressive feelings, but this is the first time in awhile that I really really really feel depressed.  Everything has been going wrong today, it feels like I’m going to cry- I wish I could cry but thanks to my meds, crying is not something I can do, which fucking sucks and my life looks like shit.

It is hard for me to admit that I am depressed, because as a kid I was conditioned to believe I was not a depressed person. I was always energetic, bubbly and “up.” When I felt like shit I was told that it would pass, because it was just a momentary feeling and then I was reminded that I was not a depressed person. After being told this numerous times I convinced myself that I don’t suffer from depression, because I’m not a depressed person (the rest of the post is after the picture)

(http://www.lonvig.biz/sad-days-indeed.htm)

So when I first started experiencing multiple depressive episodes, I was convinced it wasn’t depression but rather a weak point in my life. It just was not normal. Even when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I still was believed that I was not depressive person….sorry this post is not going anywhere. To speed this up, basically I had a revelation in the last few months that I really do suffer from depression. This is the first time in my life that I am not suffering from mixed episodes

*(a mixed episode is when you experience both mania and depression. In my experience a mixed episode is when you have a tremendous amount of energy, your ego is massive, you loose all inhibitions, your mind races-sometimes there are voices, and on top of all of that you don’t care you are going to die. In fact life seems so worthless, that you will do anything to end it in a very dramatic way. So not only are you in hyper-state, but the depression forces you into this very dangerous situation. I don’t know if this explains mixed episodes well, but essentially its an extreme combination of both mania and depression. It is one the worst experiences you will ever have, in fact I ended up in the psych because of a really bade mixed episode. In my life I have had quite a few mixed episodes, and there were numerous times I should have been hospitalized. Luckily, I survived them all).

rather I’m experiencing only depression. So, now that I have gotten that out, I’m going to return to not crying, watch shitty tv shows and complaining about how horrible my life is, until I finally pass out from exhaustion. All I know is that I really do not like being depressed.

If you guys have any tips on how I can make myself feel a little better during this wonderous depressive episode, I would love to hear them. Also I wanted to thank both detritusmind and Kathryn for leaving those amazing comments on my last post, they really did help me out Click their names to visit their blogs, both of which are must reads!!!

I hope you are all having a better day than I am,

Dave.

Say Hello to Domino- My Best Friend and Therapy Cat!

My good friend Susan (and fellow cat lover), who runs the amazing blog If You are Going Through Hell Keep Going, suggested that I should share Domino with the world.

Domino is 1.3 years old and I rescued him from an abusive home. He means the world to me and he has helped me get through some of my worst episodes. And he is just as crazy as I am

Domino as  a baby.

 At my old apartment, Domino loved climbing to the top of the fridge, so he could look over his apartment and keep an eye on me.

 Somebody is tired or he is laughing.

 Nap time.

Although he hates water, Domino loves to hide in the bathtub

Domino says hi

My parents bought Domino one of those massive towers. The problem is he has gotten so big part of his body hangs off the ledge. But he loves it!

Domino resting in my arm.

 I hope you are all doing well,

Dave.

Follow up questions: Do you have a pet and have they helped you heal? What are some of your pet stories? I would love to hear them.