(Disclaimer: There is some talk of suicide, so please be wary that it might be a trigger) What a month, it has been an intense roller coaster of emotions and at one point I thought I was going to crash. However, I pulled through and was able to find a job. A good friend of mine runs a curb painting business and hired me last week. He trained me on Saturday and the very next day I was on my own. In fact, I’m taking over the curb painting, as J (I’m not going to use his full name) is now going to work full time on his Christian Evangelical ministry. Prior to being hired, J had offered me a job to do public relations for his ministry, which is kind of ironic being that I’m an atheist. However, we both respect each other’s beliefs and as such J really wanted to hire me (I’ve known J for over a year, and many times over the last year we have had long and deep conversations about religion. Not debates, but enlightening conversations that taught both of us how to be better human beings and how to accept other’s beliefs. That’s why I like J so much, he is open and accepting of everyone regardless of their religion or Irreligion), however, at the last minute the book J had written (it’s a text detailing his ministry as well as providing a map on how to evangelize like J) was picked up by the largest Christian publishing group in North America, and as such, they were going to do the PR for him.
I was devastated.
Unfortunately, I had put all of my hopes and dreams into the job and when it fell apart I was at a complete loss. For the next few days it felt like I was drowning- my head was filled with dark thoughts, angry thoughts and suicidal thoughts. It felt like my life was slowly crumbling and all I could do was watch the destruction. My anxiety was out of control (I had run out of Neurontin a few weeks prior to this event, due to my stress and anxiety of having to move to a new home), my depression was suffocating and for the first time in years I thought about ending my life. I remember it vividly, it was last Tuesday. I had to go to the bank to pick up the money for my therapist. When I pulled into the parking lot and found open space, I pulled in and shut my engine off. I sat there staring at the street in front of me and out of no where a voice said it was time to die. The voice got louder and louder and I started to think of ways to accomplish my utter destruction, ways that would work on the first try. I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on as my brain had taken over my body (I’ve been convinced that my brain is a living entity, that has been trying to destroy my life for years), forcing me to think of horrible things. I tried my hardest to contain the suicidal feelings, reminding myself that the collateral damage my suicide would cause would be enormous- my parents would be devastated and I don’t know if my dad would live through it, my sister would be at a loss, my precious cat would never be the same and those that new me would be endlessly sad. I don’t know why, but it was at that time I got out of the car and walked to the ATM machine. Reminding myself of the collateral damage worked, the suicidal thought subsided and my brain had lost control of my body. Although the suicidal thoughts were gone, I was extremely miserable.
That night I went to my support group and it was a horrible experience. I was angry about the unfairness of my life. I was angry that I had been born this way. I was deeply ashamed for putting my family through hell. I was ashamed that I had let myself fall so far into the dark hole of self-pity, self-hatred and depression. I lashed out at the other group members and got angry when someone said I should be patient as a job would eventually show up. But I couldn’t accept that response, I couldn’t accept the positivity that most of the group members had, as I was sickened and scared of the feeling of happiness (the day I ended up in the psych ward I had woken up extremely happy. In fact it was the happiest I had felt in years. However, it did not last long as I later experienced a mind splitting mixed episode that caused the nurses to put me in the psych ward). I thought everything was over and when I got home from group I took a few benadryls and drifted off into sleep.
The next day my life changed for the better. J texted me and asked if I would be willing to work with him on the curb painting business. I immediately said yes and my life finally took a positive turn.
As I said at the beginning of this post, it has been an intense roller coaster of emotions.
I will end this post with a question: Have you experienced an intense and difficult point in your life and how did you overcome it, or how have you dealt with it? I would love to hear your stories and if you have any advice on how to deal with horrible situations I would be very grateful.
I just want to thank my loyal readers for continually coming to blog even though I have been absent quite a bit over the last year. I’m slowly working on posting more often and I hope I can increase my visitor stats, the reason being if I can get a couple hundred more readers I might be able to buy my own domain and put ads onto the blog so that I can make a little bit of money to pay for my rent, food, gas etc. So please spread the word about Struggling with the Elephant in the Room- tell your friends, tell your family, and help me turn this blog into a thriving community where everyone can feel comfortable and accepted.
I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope you have a wonderful and restful Wednesday afternoon.
Ps. Baby Domino says hi: