Struggling with the Elephant in the Room

A Manic Depressive Blog

My Confusing Loss of Direction. What is my Goal in Life?

I can’t believe how long it has been since I last posted. The months have blurred together and my mind is mush. Because it has been so long since I last wrote, I’m struggling to produce coherent sentences which is confusing and depressing. I’ts as if I have lost a part of myself and I’m struggling to get it back. Over the last few months, every time I tried to write my mind would go blank and force me to quit. I was scared to write.  Scared to break my obsessive schedule. And scared that I would lose control and be consumed by my obsession for success. So instead of going through the painful process of obsession, I decided to quit and avoid the “unnecessary” struggle. Herein lies the problem: I don’t know how to do anything without completely obsessing about it. Everything I have done over the last decade has been a result of mania and obsession, which has always caused me to become mentally and physically sick leading me to quit whatever I was doing (yes graduated college, but I wasted my three years there trying to graduate early instead studying and learning).

As such, I’m currently struggling to figure out how I can do something without over obsessing about it. Also, I’m no longer manic so I can’t do as much as I want (when I was manic, I was able to handle numerous jobs and produce a tremendous amount of work. Although, the mania ultimately landed me in the hospital). Thus, I have been avoiding everything the last few months. (Rest of post after picture)

(wikipedia.org)

You might be wondering why I’m writing. Although I don’t really know why, I’ve been trying to push myself to post the last few months. Everyday I log onto my blog, check the stats, read the comments and then log off. Sometimes I would create a new post and sit there staring at the blank screen. But for some odd reason, today I decided to finally write a post. I don’t know if this means I am going to continue writing, or if anyone is even reading this. But I have realized once again, that I love to write and it makes me feel good.

On the positive side I am no longer depressed or manic (although I’m still struggling with severe social anxiety, it is not present everyday). In fact it has been over a year since I was hospitalized and my mind is finally clear. On top of that I’ve been sober since February 3rd, my longest period of sobriety since 2005.

To end this post I was wondering if any of my readers have suggestions on how to overcome obsession. Also, what are your obsession/mania stories. How has mania and OCD impacted your life?

I hope you are all well,

Dave.

Ps. Has anyone used Squidoo or Hubpages? I’m thinking about joining and trying to produce various articles.

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8 thoughts on “My Confusing Loss of Direction. What is my Goal in Life?

  1. have you tried zyprexa or seroquel?

    • Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. Seroquel almost killed me…My last psych put me on 900mg of Seroquel because he was paid by AstraZenica. At first it helped, but overtime I started to lose short term memory, my ability to speak and other cognitive functions. By the end, I couldn’t even string together simple sentences. It took me over 6 months to get of it and the change has been amazing. I’m able to think again, as well as cry which was something I thought I had lost.

      Sorry for going on and on about Seroquel, it just horrible drug for me. I know there are other people out there who have had success with it, but I’m not one of them.

      Thanks again for stopping by and I hope you are doing well :)

      Dave.

      • the problem is the dose was too high. low doses are recommended for ocd. your psychiatrist was a creep. the new medical practice is to use the lowest dose possible. my brother, schophrenic, was zombied out for years. we took him off everything while he was hospitalized and now is on a low dose of clozaril. he can think logically. a person only needs what’s necessary to control their symptoms. too bad you had an old head pyschiatrist.

  2. I’m still here and reading, as usual, no words of wisdom sorry!!
    I’ve been wondering how you’re getting on.

    • Heya Sheila!

      I hope you are well and thanks for commenting, it really means a lot as you have always been here and have helped me so much. The last few months have been a nightmare, but I’m slowly pulling out of it. I still feel like I’m stuck in chains, I’m just hoping I can break through it.

      How have you been? I hope things are going well and I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

      Dave.

      • I’m ok although I have been through a pretty rough patch this month (withdrawal/real me surfacing) but I think I’m coming out the other side now. Still working, and we are at last decorating the house, it’s been a long time coming but hoping to get the living room done by Christmas. Life goes on….LOL

  3. I look forward to following your blog. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 27. Keep writing and take care of yourself.

    • Know how you feel no medicine works
      For long and the side effects are worse.
      Best advice is lower your stressors and
      Focus on 1 task at a time and not compare
      Yourself to others it only leads to self
      Loathing accept your self and celebrate
      Your strengths and forgive yourself of
      Guilt and obsession that goes a long way toward mental health

      JDP

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