Manic Depressive Illness: Why Sleep is my new Drug
This post is going to be short. For the last day or so I have been trying to write, unfortunately nothing wants to come out of my head (note: I am sorry that I have not responded to all of the comments on my last posts, I read them all and I really love the support! However, I am really struggling with following up on them, I will eventually respond but it will take some time. So please continue commenting, because your responses are an important/essential part of this blog). I’m still struggling with motivation and as I write this post I am fighting to stay awake. My mind keeps telling me that I need to lay down and close my eyes. The thought of sleeping really excites me, because it is the only time I can be myself, it is the only time I am not afraid of the world, it is the only time I can live out my fantasies without the fear of rejection or ridicule.
To me, sleep is the ultimate drug. In fact at this moment, it is the only drug I can use. Sobriety has been a real struggle for me- because for the last seven years I was either drunk or high. That was seven years of avoiding my problems, my emotions, my fears and paranoia. During my drug and alcohol stupor, I had no emotions and the thoughts in my head were quiet. When I quit using, my mind was flooded by unwanted emotions and thoughts; it was a horrible experience that I am still recovering from. As such, I have been searching for a replacement, something to quiet my mind- sleep.
Because of the medications I am on, my dreams are extremely vivid. Sometimes I can’t even tell if I am dreaming and that truly excites me. The one downside is that I sleep way too much. Most nights (well days, because I sleep during the day and stay up at night) I sleep about 13-15 hours, which eliminates most of my day leaving me with very little time to do the things I love: read, write and play video games. As such, I have falling deeper and deeper into depression, because I have become completely reliant on sleeping and I am unable to do anything else. It is so hard for me to get up and it is driving me fucking mad. At the moment I am stuck, I want to change but I have no clue what to do.
Does anyone else use sleep as a “drug” or escape from reality? How have you dealt with sleeping too much? And for those who are addicts, how do you deal with sobriety? What gives you the motivation to keep going?
I want to end this post with a picture from graffiti artist Banksy:
I hope you are all enjoying your weekend and I look forward to hearing from you