Facebook Makes me Depressed: My Confusing Struggle with Severe Introversion & Low Self-Esteem
Continuing my discussion on introversion and low self-esteem, we will now look at something that causes me great pain: Facebook. Everyday, I log onto Facebook, to check my messages, my notices and the stream of updates that are produced by my “friends.” Then I start to look at the facebook pages of people who I know- former high school classmates, people I met while I was an undergraduate at Whittier College, former coworkers, people I have met over the last seven years and “friends” that I had made while studying religion at the Claremont School of Theology. Every page I visited was overflowing with happiness, success and love.
Why the fuck am I so pathetic? I have no potential, I have no future. I will always be alone, because I am just a waste of fucking space!!
The longer I spend reading my “friend’s” pages, the louder the negative voice in my head becomes. And with each new update and notice, my sanity begins to crumble. At this point I am light-headed, my hands are sweating, my body is trembling and a feeling of despair and failure takes over.
(http://shafali.wordpress.com/category/unexplained-stuff/)
You are a worthless piece of shit! Just look at all of your friends, they have jobs and friends, and girlfriends and a future. Just look at those pictures, look at how happy they are! At this point I scream at the top of my lungs. I try to convince myself that the pictures are not real, that most of them have been strategically taken to make it look like they are having a great time. I try to remind myself that most people only post positive things on their facebook pages and that a lot of people exaggerate their experiences. I try my hardest to remember what I had been taught in therapy. But it didn’t matter, my mind was made up…You will always be lonely, you always be pathetic, you will always be worthless! You have no future, you have no potential. Remember you are worthless, no one cares about you, no wants to help you. And why, because you are a disgrace to not only yourself, but to your family and to those around you. You would be better off dead, but even then no one would give a shit, you would just fade and be forgotten.
Unfortunately, I have been struggling with these thoughts for the last month. At times they fade, but when I get tired they resurface and all I can think about is how worthless I am. You would think that by now I would have stopped using facebook, but I can’t break the cycle. I guess I just love pain, I love to wrap myself in depression because that is all I know. Over the last four years, I have endured psychological abuse by the people I worked for.
Every boss I have had treated me like utter shit- they screamed at me for hours, constantly telling me I was worthless, that my birth was a mistake and that I would never have a successful life. They would make fun of me and mess with my head. One of my bosses strangled me. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but for me it was beyond horrible because it completely destroyed my self-confidence, causing me to accept the fact that I was worthless. Ever since these experiences, I have not been the same. Most days I can’t look at myself in the mirror, because I am disgusted by what see. And when I meet new people, I am so scared of them because I am convinced they will try to cause me psychological harm.
I am sorry that I went on that tangent, I know this doesn’t have anything to do with my facebook problem, but I needed to get that out. Part of the depression I have been experiencing, is linked to the psychological abuse I received. Maybe, in a future post I will be able to better explain what I went through.
That is all I can write, this post has brought up a lot of my fears, and I am struggling to keep it together right now. I wanted to end this post with a few questions: Does facebook bring up bad memories for you or trigger depression and does seeing other people who have “happy lives” cause you to fall into a depressive episode?
I hope you are all well,
Dave.
Now that I think about it, Facebook does make me feel sort of worthless and depressed. Twitter is even worse. Is anyone listening on Twitter? I feel I am yelling but no one is listening. The fact that I am slightly addicted to them even makes me feel worse.
I’ve done multiple purges and binges on Fakebook, adding people in bunches on slightly manic days, then when in a depressive spiral, deleting all my friends along with disposable acquaintances. The most recent time I purged my friend list all the way to zero, then completely started over with more stringent friend criteria. I figured that if/when people missed hearing from me, they would just add me again. None of my former friends has added me again, giving me more reason to believe what the depression tells me. They really don’t care, or they just didn’t notice I was gone. I guess embarrassment keeps me from reaching out to them again.
I say stay away from FB. While it doesn’t exactly make me feel bad, it kind of bores me. To me FB lacks soul–and you have tons of that, Dave!
Hugs,
Kathy
Hi Dave,
I am friends now with so many people that put inspiring things up on facebook that I use it as a way to not get depressed and try to be more positive in my outlook. For me it has become kind of like a meditation to keep me focused. Why don’t you check out some of the pages that I have liked. It really does help me to stay more positive…….
That’s just the stuff they are telling you about, because they want to see as that great person who has the great life. They are not telling you about the down moments. That’s not what FB is about. While I have only been on it for a week, I can already see it’s about keeping up and I’m not one to bother about keeping up.
Your fine being you, and there are more than likely people on FB who look at you and wish they could be more like you
I feel very comfortable with facebook/social networking, I know many people who feel like you and hate it, and find it makes them feel bad. Ivonne is right that there are a lot of inspiring pages with really insightful, comforting and thoughtful pictures and updates, if you look at my “page” and the list of pages I “like” you will find some there. Just had a look, there is “The Journey”, “Even a Single Lamp Dispels the Darkness”, then if you look at the pages they “like” you’ll find more.
I find that I often cruise facebook just to make myself feel worse. I guess I’m a masochist in this sense. They all post their happiest photos and all the good stuff going on in their lives. But then I realize why would they post any of the real stuff. Everyone wants people to think that they’re doing good, happy and successful so of course, this is what they post on their facebooks. Little do they know there’s people like us out there who are feeling inadequate because of their stupid little status updates. I wish there was a more honest version of facebook, where people would stop trying to show off their accomplishments and just get real. Kind of like what we’re doing on your blog here. No one can be that happy all the time, I want to here about your misery and how you deal with it, then, maybe, we can help each other out rather than uselessly telling everyone how happy we are. Being happy is a boring conversation, let’s talk about why you’re depressed today, now that’s a subject I can entertain.
Good honest stuff
I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m glad I did. Like I’ve always believed, that sharing your own experiences often can help others who may be experiencing the same. It certainly does help me. I’m glad to have came across your blog. Reading your post makes me wary of my future, but sometimes things are just unavoidable in our lives. First we have to change ourselves. This is the reason why I no longer have a facebook, that was a very good step for me. Too many friends, and no one to connect with. I’d see their happy looking images, and feel something sharp pierce my heart and mind. I felt like I had nothing going for me. Most of all no happiness. It was to much to bear at certain times. Feeling like I would go mad. Retreating into the darkness of my mind felt so welcoming, a place where nothing, and no one existed. Eventually I stopped contact with people, only kept those that I needed to be there. I felt so great at the time, so free. I’ll stop here, otherwise I’d keep on going. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that one day you may feel that freedom, freedom from your own mind.
Even the people in those photos feel that way sometimes. I post loads of pictures of myself with friends and family having a great time. But when I’m feeling down, just looking at other people having what appears to be functional, fulfilled lives depresses me. Everyone’s lives are made out of bad and good times interspersed. You’re only looking at a fraction of the picture.
I think Facebook annoys every body but it’s like a drug its destructive time consuming but people always come back for more unless u break the cycle completly. every body else seems to make out there live is great on fb but in reality we all know if it was that great why are you on Facebook. People with so called great lives don’t feel the need for it at all
i got the same life with a small difference called fake optimism ……..so i smile to others to avoid the impact of that disease to others the negativity is a killing disease>>my friend try to be optimistic and dont care about the stupid facebook >>try socializing more and meet new friends,,,find a good girl to be with(thats what iam trying to do)
Maybe you should see a bollywood film”karthik calling karthik” or hollywood film”Wanted” that will help you……
And remember one thing you deserve a good life,…..There is only one that can help you and that is only you….dont allow them to make a clown of you…….
Some of my friend are really dummies but they on fb,they are different, looks cool,dashing..WTF!!!!
And your bosses they are really b*****ds,,they are thriving on your simplicity……..show them you have got something….
And be cool……………
I feel like shit too. Sometimes i just feel so bad. Sometimes i fel like a worthless piece of shit. But, like you , there’s something about it that I love. I love being the underdog, the one that surprises people by how well they do,. I’ve always been that guy and i always will be. You can’t change who you are, but if you stiop victimizing yourslef, you can steer the direction of your own ship.
Ive came tho the conclusion that if the majority of people in todays society that are owned by Facebook, didn’t have one, would experience a existential downfall, due to the fact that Facebook is such a important contribution to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It’s ludicrous how someone using Facebook could be fulfilled and depressed at the same time.Its almost as if Facebook’s a drug.
i definitely agree completely with how you feel. Facebook is definitely a double edged sword. I find that going on and being tagged in photos or leaving a witty comment which receives many likes is an elating experience. The larger portion of the time however is spent, trawling walls of crushes, friends and strangers whose lives are represented by happy snaps of them socializing and having fun, basically emphasizing how pathetic, lonely and worthless you feel. Its really sad for me to admit that my happiness is represented by the number of comments i have on my wall, pictures I’ve being tagged in and likes I’ve received. I’ve tried a few times to stop using it all together but always find myself dragged back under the pale hope that someone has tried to reach me in my absence. Although rarely anyone does, my introversion and low self-esteem mean this is basically the only form of contact i do have and even if its weak and isolating, I’m too scared to abandon it completely ,terrified i will be truly alone. How ironic that a facebook sharing option is available for this comment.
after reading this I’ve realized I should blog and delete Facebook instead. Thank you so much for an amazing post
I read your blog and I totally get what your saying. I am in the same boat. Its hard. Hang in there bro… I don’t know if it gets better or not.. But I guess we gotta hang on
i feel that way about facebook too. just tonight i was looking at my former best friend’s page and i got really depressed. i started feeling like, i have no life, i’m a failure, i will never be as good as her, no wonder she got rid of me as a friend. suddenly the plans i have for the future seemed overwhelming, and i thought, i can’t handle this, what if i screw up etc. it really got me down. the longer i looked at it the worse i felt. yet i like to use facebook to keep in touch with people, and i feel the need to check it all the time. i guess i can’t win.
Hi Dave,
This brings back memories of how I used to think. We all have days when we are down, and while you are reading this now, you are most likely having a positive day (I hope).
Anyway, when I feel like that, I let the feelings run their course and then assure myself that I am fine. I have everything I ever really wanted and what I don’t have, I am working towards.
You must know that you are a fantastic writer for starters. When you feel like that, make a mental list of your positive features as well to counteract the negative things.
Good luck coping with your manic depression!
There’s a lot more of us out there you know and we kind of have a secret addiction to this low low feeling…
At the best of times, it can bring out the genius in us – just read the fantastic post you wrote! Many can relate to this feeling.
April Showers
I feel the same way too we are human beings we all gone to have bad times and good times u just have friends who think u supose to post happy things up all the time. What if u stepped on a piece of glass and cant walk u post today I walked to the store feeling fine in my feet knowing darn well u got cut by a piece of glass its called being honest and if people dont like the honest things u post about ur self then those friends u know in public or ur circle are not ur real friends. Life is not always dandy u can be the most positive person but if u suround urself with greedy stingy and jealous people of course it will cause negative vibes in ya and ur not even the one thats causing the drama ur so called trusted friends are lesson learned choose ur friends wisely go outside more and do the things u did before joing fb cause it sucks.