Facebook Makes me Depressed: My Confusing Struggle with Severe Introversion & Low Self-Esteem
Continuing my discussion on introversion and low self-esteem, we will now look at something that causes me great pain: Facebook. Everyday, I log onto Facebook, to check my messages, my notices and the stream of updates that are produced by my “friends.” Then I start to look at the facebook pages of people who I know- former high school classmates, people I met while I was an undergraduate at Whittier College, former coworkers, people I have met over the last seven years and “friends” that I had made while studying religion at the Claremont School of Theology. Every page I visited was overflowing with happiness, success and love.
Why the fuck am I so pathetic? I have no potential, I have no future. I will always be alone, because I am just a waste of fucking space!!
The longer I spend reading my “friend’s” pages, the louder the negative voice in my head becomes. And with each new update and notice, my sanity begins to crumble. At this point I am light-headed, my hands are sweating, my body is trembling and a feeling of despair and failure takes over.
You are a worthless piece of shit! Just look at all of your friends, they have jobs and friends, and girlfriends and a future. Just look at those pictures, look at how happy they are! At this point I scream at the top of my lungs. I try to convince myself that the pictures are not real, that most of them have been strategically taken to make it look like they are having a great time. I try to remind myself that most people only post positive things on their facebook pages and that a lot of people exaggerate their experiences. I try my hardest to remember what I had been taught in therapy. But it didn’t matter, my mind was made up…You will always be lonely, you always be pathetic, you will always be worthless! You have no future, you have no potential. Remember you are worthless, no one cares about you, no wants to help you. And why, because you are a disgrace to not only yourself, but to your family and to those around you. You would be better off dead, but even then no one would give a shit, you would just fade and be forgotten.
Unfortunately, I have been struggling with these thoughts for the last month. At times they fade, but when I get tired they resurface and all I can think about is how worthless I am. You would think that by now I would have stopped using facebook, but I can’t break the cycle. I guess I just love pain, I love to wrap myself in depression because that is all I know. Over the last four years, I have endured psychological abuse by the people I worked for.
Every boss I have had treated me like utter shit- they screamed at me for hours, constantly telling me I was worthless, that my birth was a mistake and that I would never have a successful life. They would make fun of me and mess with my head. One of my bosses strangled me. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but for me it was beyond horrible because it completely destroyed my self-confidence, causing me to accept the fact that I was worthless. Ever since these experiences, I have not been the same. Most days I can’t look at myself in the mirror, because I am disgusted by what see. And when I meet new people, I am so scared of them because I am convinced they will try to cause me psychological harm.
I am sorry that I went on that tangent, I know this doesn’t have anything to do with my facebook problem, but I needed to get that out. Part of the depression I have been experiencing, is linked to the psychological abuse I received. Maybe, in a future post I will be able to better explain what I went through.
That is all I can write, this post has brought up a lot of my fears, and I am struggling to keep it together right now. I wanted to end this post with a few questions: Does facebook bring up bad memories for you or trigger depression and does seeing other people who have “happy lives” cause you to fall into a depressive episode?
I hope you are all well,