Saturday Afternoon Update- My Toilet Broke, but I’m Mentally Stable
To all my readers, I want to apologize for not posting the last few days. My life has been going up and down and every time I try to sit down and write, my life crumbles. My toilet broke again the other day, flooding the bathroom with water and urine (I know that is a little too much information, but I want to show you what I have been dealing with), causing my somewhat stable mind to crack. Well not completely crack, but I was teetering on the edge. The toilet was eventually fixed, but the problem was I had to let other people into my apartment, which is one of my biggest fears/paranoia. It’s completely irrational, I get scared when other people are in my apartment, so how am I supposed to meet someone and allow them in my life? Maybe that is why I have no friends, I’m scared to let my guard down and allow someone into my world-then again would I even want to let someone get close to me or into my head, its pretty fucked up, the thoughts, the negative feelings and the voice that never seems to go away- I’m going to be honest here, this is something I’ve never really talked about, I’m 25 and I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never had a relationship with anyone. Honestly this shouldn’t be a problem, there are a lot of people out there that are single and happy. But it gets lonely. I realize that I need to work on myself before I can start a relationship, so I’m going to move onto the next topic.
I made it through the week and although my toilet broke and other people were in my house, I didn’t have a huge mental breakdown. I’m proud of myself, because this means I’m making a lot of progress. A month ago I would never have survived this, in fact I would have most likely ended up back in the hospital.
I’m finally making progress! My mind is stable and I’m happy for the first time in months. I know this won’t last, but for now I will enjoy the mental stability. Hopefully I will get to the point where I can start working again (I want to write professionally, it is a dream of mine and I hope that I can make this real one day. I know I was born to write and even if it takes years, I will become a professional writer!!) and possibly go back to school (again I want to attend a creative writing/non-fiction program).
I hope you are all doing well!