Manic Depressive Illness: How Anxiety can Take Over Your Life
My anxiety has increased exponentially over the last few weeks. Well actually, it started while I was in the psych ward (side note: I’m extremely ashamed and embarrassed about my anxiety. I do things that are illogical and sometimes crazy. I make myself sick as well as unstable. However, I want to write about this so that if someone out there suffers from anxiety (or OCD or panic attacks) they will realize they’re not alone). Although my apartment is a mess and I don’t sh0wer sometimes , I’m deathly afraid of public toilets and showers (the list doesn’t stop there- used cars, hotel beds, door knobs, other people’s hands. The list goes on and on and on). So when I was put in the psych ward, not only was I scared of being hospitalized, I was beyond scared of having to use a communal toilet.
For two days I didn’t go to the bathroom. I held it in, praying that I would make it to the end of the week. By Thursday (I entered the psych ward on Tuesday) I was in so much pain I could no longer sit. Pacing up and down the hallway I tried my hardest not to cry. My mind was racing, my palms were sweaty and my legs were numb. Finally I decided to go to the nurses station and ask for help. The nurse’s first reaction- they brushed me off, claiming it was not a valid problem. I asked again and they told me to stop complaining and just go to the bathroom. I begged them to have someone clean the toilet. I must have looked pathetic because one of the nurses finally listened and called a house keeper. A few minutes later the toilet was clean.
Unfortunately, my mind was not satisfied. I put 10 seat covers on the toilet and covered the back area in toilet paper. I washed my hands at least three times and still tried to convince myself not to go. Eventually I went and the horrific experience was over. Thankfully I left the psych ward a few days later. But my paranoia didn’t stop there. At one point I was convinced someone was sleeping in my bed, so each night I would sleep in my clothes on top of the sheets and blanket. It was fucking cold, but I didn’t care. I was too worried that I would get a disease, rash or some other horrible ailment (yes I know it’s beyond irrational but my mind makes me believe its real).
I must have washed my hands an average of 20 times a day while I was in the psych ward. The problem was that the soap was alcohol based, so my hands dried and cracked. There are numerous other instances where my anxiety took over, however, I’m too ashamed to write about them.
Before I left the psych ward, I asked my doctor if he had anything I could take for my anxiety, so he prescribed me ativan That was a mistake. He knew I had a history of addiction and yet he still prescribed me a benzo (as I pointed out in a previous post, two hours after I left the psych ward, I crushed up six ativans and snorted them).
I’m going to stop writing. I still a ton of anxiety related stories, however, this post took a lot out of me. I hope that you are all doing well.
Dave.
dear dave so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough go of it right now….
ivonne
Thanks ivonne. Its been frustrating. My sponsor just texted me asking me where I had gone. I told him I was really depressed and can’t deal with people right now. It sucks, because I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him, but my brain won’t let me. I’m too scared to ask for help and that’s whats frustrating. The fact that I know I’m a mess, but I’d rather just sit and waste away in my depression (I do talk with my parents though, but that is because I really trust them. I have horrible trust issues and still don’t trust my sponsor. So here I sit, trying to figure out ways to tell my sponsor why I haven’t been going to meeting or why I haven’t called. I’m still sober, its been almost three weeks, but some days I’m so tired I just don’t have the energy to go to meetings).
Sorry for the long rant/response, but I’m just frustrated with my mind, with my depression, with my lack of self-confidence.
I hope you are doing well
Dave.
Hi. This is the first time I’ve come across your blog. I try to keep up with blogs that talk about Bipolar but somehow I have missed yours. Sorry it’s tough for you right now. I’m not in the best boat myself. I actually quit blogging for about a month and then I decided that it was actually good for me. So I have returned. Hang in there.
acrazybeautifulmind- Thank you for stopping by. I fully understand the move to quitting, I’ve been away from blogging for over three months. It has taken me a long time to regain the motivation to blog and write, but I’m glad I did.
I hope you feel better
Dave.
Hi there, This is my first time reading your blog as well, I just want to applaud your courage to talk about how you’re feeling and sharing your experience. Although I can’t relate specifically to what you’re going through, I know what it’s like to feel like your brain is against you. I, too, struggle with mental illness. Mainly depression and anxiety. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that the road ahead becomes easier for you. Please take care.
Manda- Welcome to my blog! And thank you for the kind words. It truly is amazing how the brain works, some days I feel in total control. Then something triggers me and it feels like I’m in a major battle for control of my head/sanity. It is an on going struggle and my goal is to document it in this blog for everyone to read.
Again thank you for stopping by
Dave.
Hey man. I’m sorry you’re going through such a touch time lately.
I hate that other people don’t take people like us serious. That they are always to busy to care about our ‘issues’. Wouldn’t the world be a lot easier to live in if people just cared a little?
Anyway. I want to thank you for sharing this story and for asking me for advice the other day. I’m happy I could be useful to you.
Sincerely,
– Prozacblogger
Prozacblogger- A lot of it, unfortunately, has to do with the stigma/bias of mental illness. It’s sad that we are in the 21st century and yet we still view mental illness as a burden on society. At times I’m scared shitless to tell people I’m bipolar (especially jobs) due to the fear that I would be looked down upon or treated differently. But the way things are going, it doesn’t look like this is going to change. People would rather ignore the issue, pretending that if they brush it under the rug it would go away, but that is no longer the case. There is a large part of society that suffers from mental illness, but due to the stigma they refuse to get help and that to me is really sad. There are a lot of people out there that hurting, but because they fear society’s response they would rather stay silent than ask for help.
Again thank you for your email response it really has helped.
Stay Strong!
Dave.
i feel you on the pill issues. i’m bipolar w heavy suicidal issues & a history of self harm. i was prescribed sleeping pills by my psych nurse because i wasn’t sleeping (hello mania), which i eventually overdosed on trying to kill myself. go team. prescribers need to pay a lot more attention to patient history instead of just writing things out of habit.
sorry you had such a bad experience:(
despitemyself- It amazes me how easily our providers gloss over or ignore our problems and as a result, it usually causes more damage. I hope you are feeling better and I’m sorry you had to go through that experience. A lot of the problem is the pharmaceutical companies that provide doctors with tons of samples and other perks. One of my previous psychiatrists told me that AstraZeneca would take him out to lunch every two weeks in exchange for him prescribing Seroquel to all or most of his patients (although Seroquel works for me, it might not work for others. And the fact that my psychiatrist was swayed by a free lunch is scary. Here is somebody I “trust” and yet he makes his decision based on the freebies he receives. It’s really fucked up). And this is just one doctor and one pharma company, there must be tons of other doctors that are easily swayed by drug companies. Hopefully we can change this, but then again I’m just being optimistic. Sorry for the depressing response, but this is an issue that really bugs me.
Thanks for stopping by,
Dave.