Struggling with the Elephant in the Room

A Manic Depressive Blog

Introversion Saturday- A Retrospective on Introverts Struggling in an Extroverted World

Today’s post is going to be short, as I’m preparing for my next major piece: an examination of introversion in today’s society. As such I wanted to point everyone towards a piece that is very important to me, one that has literally become the backbone of this blog- my first post on the struggles of introverts:

Over the last year, the post has grown into it’s own community, it has become a safe place for introverts to talk about their lives, their struggles, their fears, their hopes, their dreams and their love for other introverts. Since the day it was posted, the community has amassed over 33,000 views!! It has made my blog what it is today, and as such I want to share it with my new readers.

If you are struggling with introversion, please visit the post as there are some amazing comments and advice on how to survive in this extroverted world.

To end this post, I wanted to ask my readers are you an introvert or an extrovert? Or do you straddle the line between the two? These questions are important, as I want to grow my research on introversion and work towards my ultimate goal: understanding why certain people isolate, while others don’t. And to see if isolation is directly connected to introversion. Furthermore, I want to do a detailed study/examination of the Japanese phenomenon- hikikomori:

” …is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive adolescents or adults who withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement.” (

The reason I’m interested in this phenomenon, is due to my own struggle with isolation. I spent 2 years locked away in my apartment; even now I still struggle with isolation. Because of this, I’m not convinced that I’m truly agoraphobic, as it doesn’t correctly address my love of isolating.

Confusing nature of Isolation

Confusing nature of Isolation

I think this study could become extremely beneficial, as there are a tremendous amount of people struggling with isolation who are not receiving proper treatment/help.

As such, I’m actively looking for a website, blog or organization who would be willing to sponsor me so that I can perform a detailed examination/study on isolation, hikikomori and agoraphobia. If you are interested in hiring or sponsoring me, please email me at: david.stein [at]

I’m really serious about this study and I want to perform it properly, however, in my current unemployed state I do not have the necessary resources to write this article/paper/study. So please pass this on to your friends and colleagues, I would be forever in your debt.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!


Ps. I’m still actively looking for guest bloggers, so if you are interested either comment on this post or email me.

Pps. Also don’t forget to check out my latest article on

Connection between Dehydration and Depression- My First article Published on

Well I did it, i got my first article published on entitled, How Dehydration can Cause Depression to Worsen. An examination of the impact dehydration has on the human body and how it can exacerbate depression (as well as other potential mood disorders). It’s fascinating how it only takes a small decrease in the body’s water to cause dehydration and other compilations.

I began noticing a pattern in my own body when I overly thirsty, I would be increasingly anxious, paranoid, lethargic and depressed. In fact it had a snowball effect as the day wore on. However, if. I drank a lot of water, my mood would almost immediately improve. I was blown away that something as simple as proper hydration could lead to an improvement in my overall mental health. As such, I decided to write the above mentioned article as a way to inform more people about the dangers of dehydration.

In fact, I was astonished to find that most people don’t realize they are dehydrated until it’s too late, at which point the mind has already started to change for the worse.

Well that’s all for now I need to get a cup of coffee and fully wake up. If you get a chance please check out my article and pass it along to your friends so that we can get the word out there of the perils of dehydration:

I hope everyone is having a wonderful and restful week,






Although it hasn’t been published yet, I finally submitted my first article to!!! This is huge it’s my first step towards my dream of becoming a professional writer! I haven’t felt the satisfaction of accomplishment in a long time, it feels good! Well now it’s time for to relax, unwind and get lost in an amazing anime. 


I hope you are all doing well, 



The Cautionary Tale of a 28-year old Introverted Virgin

As the title states this post will be about a 28 year old introverted virgin: me. This is a problem I’ve struggled with for a long time. For whatever reason I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never had sex. It’s depressing, especially as all of my high school and college classmates are getting married or starting relationships, I’m stuck alone, forever a virgin. I never thought my life would end up like this, alone and pathetic. My parents got married at 27, my sister has been in a relationship for over 5 years, but me- nothing. I envy them. I envy their normal lives. Their love. Their relationships. I envy them, and that makes me devestatingly sad.

I’ve come to the realization that I will die alone and a virgin. I’m an introvert who wears the skin of an extrovert (when I’m outside, around other people I force myself to become extroverted. I force myself to become what other people want to see. It’s horribly tiring. But I’ve become used to it, as I’ve done this all my life. I’ve learned to wear the mask of an extrovert when I’m around other people, to hide the real me: the introvert that I truly am).

Sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent. Going back to my previous statement- I will die alone and a virgin. I’m trying to come to terms with this. I don’t like being around other people (even though people like being around me, well the extroverted me), as I would rather spend my time watching anime, escaping into the amazing worlds that I see on my tv. I have no ambition, no drive, no hunger. I don’t want money or fame. I’m not interested in corporate life or spending hours working in a job I hate. I have no dreams (well that’s not entirely true as I want to become a writer, but I’m stuck at the starting gate because I realized I’ll never become well known, so what’s the point of even trying. It’s depressing, because writing is one of the only things that makes me happy, but I’m too scared to write), I don’t want kids and I like spending time alone (can last up to a week, sometimes more, depending on the show I’m watching).

The above paragraph exemplifies why Ill die a virgin. What woman would want a 28 year old virgin, with no ambition, no dream, only a love of anime and knowledge. What woman would waste her time with someone who gets nervous when touched by someone else (6 years ago this girl tried to seduce me while I was stoned, it was so weird having her body under mine {we were fully clothed} it didn’t feel right, how can you guys enjoy that? It felt so awkward laying on top of someone. But I guess this is just another knock against me), I’ve only had human physical contact maybe twice in the last year (normal contact like handshakes, hugs etc.) even though I live with 5 other people. Well let me expand on that, I might have only had physical contact with another human 2 dozen times in the last 4 years. It’s just weird to me. I don’t know why.

I lost my train of thought. All I know is that I’m always going to be a virgin, I’m always going to be without a relationship (actually that hurts more, I’m really not that interested in sex. In fact I only masterbate once a month maybe twice if my stress is higher than normal, it just doesn’t interest me. Again what woman would want to deal with a man who cares very little for sex, but would rather have a good conversation and spend time watching a good tv show?)

I don’t know where I’m going with this post anymore, I’m just really bummed now. At least I can spend my time watching anime and escape from this wretched world in the comfort of my room (I forgot to say, I rarely leave my room, except maybe for dinner, or if my friend needs help, or my parents ask me to do something. I spend all my free time watching anime and tv shows; around 8-10 hours a day, maybe more. The rest of the time is spent researching information to satiate my hunger for knowledge and sleep).

Well I’m going to end this post here, there is not much else I can say, especially now that I’ve told the Internet one of my biggest secrets. Oh well, maybe this cautionary tale can help someone else.

Sorry if there are mistakes, I wrote this on my phone as I still don’t have a computer. I hope this post finds you all in good health.

Till next time,


Ps. I’m looking for guest bloggers, or other writers who are interested in doing a joint project. Please see my about page for my email address.

Another New Beginning

It’s been quite a few months since I’ve said hi, and it bums me out that I had forgotten what my greatest passion is: writing. I’d given up on my dreams, my hopes, my future and threw myself into a dark pit, forever writhing in pain, misery and self loathing.

However, I was freed from my self pity when an email was sent that reignited my passion for writing.  I was invited to join as an author/expert for the depression section. I was invited because of this blog. I was given a new chance at my dream because of this blog. For the first time in my life I was finally recognized by a well known organization for my writing, something I had dreamed about when I was younger. I’m really excited about this opportunity as it allows me to grow as an author, as well as pursue my other passion: research.

I have no clue where this will take me, but I’m excited about this new opportunity. Hopefully you will see my articles on in the coming weeks. I will also try my hardest to post on this blog and reignite my passion for blogging.

I hope you are all well and I look forward to talking with you,


Ps. Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, I had to write this post on my phone because I don’t have a computer at the moment.

It’s a New Day, I’m feeling Slightly Better- Today’s Post is on Ways to Deal with Depression/Mania

A New Day, A new Beginning

A New Day, A new Beginning

So far today has been a lot better then yesterday, I guess writing out my frustrations helped to ease my mind, I still feel the same way, but at least the pain isn’t as bad. The odd thing, is how popular the post is. Maybe everyone wants to read my rants and see how bad my self-hatred is, or maybe it’s the title, or the keywords, or just luck. I’m not really certain, but I’m happy people read it. I’m definitely not perfect, and maybe someone out there read the post and realized they aren’t alone in this crazy world. That some days we just feel so horrible, it’s as if our minds are trying to destroy us. Or other days we feel like we’re drowning in the darkness of depression. But one thing is for certain, we can’t give up, no matter how hard it gets. We all have the strength to survive, we just have to latch onto something. For me, it’s my cat Domino. I love him dearly and he’s helped me over the years. In fact, if it wasn’t for him I don’t know how far I would have gotten. Yes I know a lot of it was me, but it helps to have something to grab onto (it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you can hold on tight and know that it will pull you out of your hell). It also helps to have a hobby; mine’s watching TV and playing video games (I love being able to escape from reality and drift off into a new word that doesn’t demand anything from me or judge me, a place where my depression seems to evaporate and I feel invincible).

I guess that’s what today’s post is going to be about, ways to deal with manic/depressive episodes. For the longest time I suffered from severe mixed episodes and/or rapid cycling (it really depends on which doctor you talk to, as both episode types are very similar). I could have multiple episodes in a day, swinging from severe depression to extreme mania and back again- sometimes this happened in the same hour and it got really stressful, even frightening. There were days I just wanted it all to end and unfortunately I self medicated to compensate. It started with alcohol.

Alcohol is not a good way to deal with depression/mania

Alcohol is not a good way to deal with depression/mania


Some quick background: In high school I never drank or used drugs. In fact I never went to parties, or hung out with people after school. When I got to college I was desperate to fit in, so I hung out with the football team and started to drink with them. My first night drinking I blacked out after having over 15 beers. I thought it was great, I was “fitting” and I loved the buzz. I started drinking regularly and would party with the football team. My drinking increased as I tried to keep up with offensive linemen and feel to peer pressure. A few months into my drinking, I went to a party at the baseball house and went crazy, I ended up blacking out for almost 16 hours, waking up in a pool of vomit-well there was vomit everywhere. I convinced myself I would never drink again and it was on that day my anxiety and paranoia was born. The football players messed with my head when I asked them what happened and it escalated to the point where I was afraid to leave my dorm room. I was convinced they were stalking me and trying to destroy my life. I was also convinced everyone else was after me, so I locked myself in my room and only left for class. Because of this, I developed agoraphobia and social anxiety.

As this increased I started to drink again, this time while I was alone. I started spending the weekends at my parent’s house and my dad found out I had been drinking. I thought he was going to be pissed, but it was the opposite, he was ecstatic because he had finally found a drinking buddy.  It was around this time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and to cope with the stress I started drinking excessively. It was the first time I used alcohol to deal with depression…my mom is ok now, she has been in remission for over 8 years…Fast forward a few years. I was working the night shift at a hotel and I was a full blown alcoholic. My doctor was worried that I was killing my liver so she demanded that I stopped drinking. She also prescribed an anti-depressant, which actually led me to quit drinking. But at the same time it caused my mania to grow, I just didn’t know it at the time. I was sober for about a week until I started smoking weed to fill the void. Overtime I developed a heavy habit, I also started to abused pain killers and benzos. Because of the drug abuse my mental stability was shattered. I caused my episodes to increase in intensity and frequency. Eventually I was diagnosed Bipolar type I, with OCD, severe social anxiety, PTSD and addiction. It took me a few years to quit using and by the time I did, I ended up in a mental hospital after dropping out of graduate school (sorry for skipping  a lot of my story, I’m late for work and it there is to much for just one post. I’ll come back to it in the future) and spent the next two years isolated in my apartment while I recovered. During these two years, anxiety increased exponentially and depression became severe. There were times I didn’t think I would make it, but a few things helped me through this period (well that was a lot longer of a background then I had anticipated, but now we are back to the discussion on ways to cope).




When my depression got really bad, I found that doing something mindless really helped: watching TV, cleaning, playing with Domino, playing video games etc. That Is one of the things I’ve told people to do when dealing with depression (or anxiety, or mania), it doesn’t have to be what I suggested. Rather, the idea is to do something you love, while spending as little effort as possible. The reason is that it allows your mind to relax and escape, you aren’t adding to the stress and you are giving yourself a chance to breath. That’s why I love TV. Not only do I get to relax, but I can lose myself in TV show without spending much effort, further, I can stop anytime I want  or go as long as I want. The idea is to just escape. Another thing I loved to do is listen to a book on tape, the idea is the same as I don’t have to spend much energy and I can let my mind wander and for that bit of time I can forget about my struggles. The goal is to find something you love and to have it available so that if you feel depressed or anxious, or unstable you can help yourself heal. Another thing that helps is talking with someone, just having some human contact can help alleviate the stress and again can help you escape from your worries (you don’t have to do this in person, in fact you could just text). Taking a shower is another great way to relax and the concept once again is similar, allowing your mind to wander and for you to have some quite and some peaceful time where you can forget about your worries.

For me, finding something that allows me to escape into another reality helps almost as much as therapy (furthermore, it allows me to deal with my depression without having resort to illicit drugs. Although there are days where I struggle to keep those thoughts in check, but I’m human and not infallible). Also therapy, for me, helps tremendously but it’s not for everyone. The idea is to find someone you can talk to, who is both willing to listen and provide feedback (it can be a friend, a trusted relative, a teacher, a pastor/rabbi, someone you meet on the street, or even a journal. The reason I put a journal, is that it allows you to get your thoughts and feelings onto paper and in doing so, you can step back and examine what you have been going through. It gives a new perspective that you might not have seen before).

Hope for a better future

Hope for a better future


I’m going to end this post with question: how do you deal with depression/mania and do you have any tips or tricks that you do to help keep yourself sane (or at least provide yourself with some comfort)? I’m always looking for ways to help myself when I’m struggling and I know there are things I’ve yet to do.

Wow this has been the longest post I’ve written in quite some time.

I hope you are all well and look forward to hearing from you,


Why Do I Spend So much Time Avoiding My Life and Responsibility?? Why Am I So Confused???

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I spend quite a bit of time procrastinating and avoiding my responsibilities. My heart is racing right now because I’m supposed to be outside making sales, but instead I’m sitting on the computer wasting time. I really don’t know why. And the sad thing is my livelihood is on the line- if I don’t make enough money this month I might be homeless, but instead of having the motivation to get out there and hustle, I’m avoiding life and responsibility. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, it drives me crazy that I waste so much time. I really don’t enjoy sitting here doing nothing, especially where it causes my anxiety to increase and in doing so makes it even harder for me to get out.

But I keep doing it.

On top of that, I’m not even spending the extra time working on increasing my blog’s readership, which is something I want to do, but as usual I’ve spent all day doing nothing and disliking every minute of it. I know that I’m lazy, I have been for many years. But what I don’t understand is why I can’t break this fucking habit. I’ve tried over the years to break it, but to no avail.  I just don’t have the drive and/or energy (which is also the same excuse I give for not having friends, or why I’m not interested in dating). I know it sounds pathetic, I fully realize that, I’m disgusted with myself (I know what you are going to say, if you really are so frustrated with yourself why not change. And David don’t tell me “you don’t know” it’s a fucking cop out- which is what I’m screaming at myself right now. Great now I’m having three conversations in my head, this is getting confusing). 

Ugh. This all started senior year of high school. I got accepted to Whittier College at the beginning of the school year and spent the rest of the year doing absolutely nothing. I dropped out of all of my advanced science classes, switched to finite math and stopped doing my homework as I found that I could get A’s on all of my tests my tests and still pass (I did, however, stay in AP English and European history as both subjects were a passion of mine). I convinced myself that I could take the year off because when I started college I’d go back to working hard. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My laziness carried over and I spent little time studying during college; although I did graduate with honors, multiple degrees and I was able graduate a year early. The reason this was possible was due to the fact that all three of my majors (Political Science, History and Religious Studies) were writing intensive (something I’m gifted at) and I was able to figure out how to make each of my AP credits worth triple the amount of college credits. Again, I convinced myself that once I graduated college I would start working hard, but my laziness continued as I found jobs that were made easy by my talents. Fast forward a decade and you can see why I’m struggling to break this habit. 

I really wish I could go back to my senior year of high school and kick my younger self in the ass, to stop this annoying cycle. So I’m really fucking stuck. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be using this as an excuse, but I can’t figure out any other reasoning for my lack of motivation. 

Now that I look back on this post, self-pity bullshit and I’m sorry for subjecting you to this (actually I don’t know what really is going on, my head is throbbing, my heart is racing and I’m having a hard time concentrating. I’m still wasting time when I should be working and it’s stressing me out. I’m ready to cry because I just can’t get it through my fucking head. I don’t know why I keep doing this. I don’t understand why I can’t take responsibility for my life, why do I hide from everything, why do I spend so little time on my life, bitch and moan when things get fucked up and then go to my therapist and tell her how messed up my life is. I’m just a stubborn piece of shit. FUCK I’m still doing it, I’m still going through my self-pity mode and for fuckssake why the hell am I sitting here at my keyboard instead of outside working.

Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself.

Why am I so bent on destroying my life?

Why can’t I take responsibility for my future?

Why the fuck am I so lazy?

I just can’t figure this shit out and now I don’t even know how I’m supposed to fucking make any sales with my head ready to explode on top of that I still owe my friend $300 which I’m supposed to be making right now, but instead I’m still just typing, still just avoiding it. Not to mention the money I owe my parent’s, the rent that I have to pay, the bills I owe, or the fact that I still can’t get myself to shower, still can’t shave, still can’t clean my room, my car, my clothes. I just don’t fucking do anything but complain. What the fuck is my problem??????????????

This is bullshit.

Manic Depressive Illness: Looking at the Root of My Mental Health and Examining My Past

Root of Life

Root of Life

I hope everyone has been having a great week and hopefully things haven’t gotten too bad…I wanted to start this post by saying how hard it’s been this week to write and that my mind was racked with pain, which is exactly what I wrote in my head but I’m having a hard time forming the actual sentences. As usual I’ve been putting off blogging all day and because of this I’m struggling to produced a post. Couple that with the anxiety of having to work and you can see why it’s been hard to write this afternoon. Not to mention the fact that my head is begin clouded by an annoying voice constantly telling me how bad the post is, how many times I over used the word “and,” why I’m horrible writer and that I tend to shift past and present tenses within the same post which would drive my high school English teachers crazy (which actually is the truth as I still struggle with past/present tense which is evident in a lot of my posts, although I try my hardest to make them uniform, sometimes it just doesn’t work). On the subject of high school English, I’m going to continue my story from a few posts ago, although not in the exact time period we are going to fast forward a few years (don’t worry we will revisit my original diagnosis and what happened afterwards, I just wanted to write about my middle and high school  years, or at least bits and pieces of them. Hopefully I can keep all of the time periods together in my head, if not then we will have quite the jumbled life story. If it works it will be art! *chuckles to self*)

It had been a few years since I was originally diagnosed with ADD and my parent’s had moved my sister and I to a new city. Not knowing anyone, it was hard for me to make new friends, let alone talk with other people. Well actually that is not entirely true, come to think of it I was a pretty talkative kid. That’s right, it wasn’t until college that my anxiety developed and I lost my extroverted ways. In fact as a kid I was really hyper and constantly trying to talk with everyone (hence the ADD). I think it was the awkwardness of being “different,” coupled with moving to a new city that made it hard for me to make friends. I did make one friend, however, his name was Robert. He was the same age as me and we both hit it off on video games and seemed to have pretty similar tastes. Unfortunately, his current friend was extremely possessive of him and didn’t really like me (this part is really hazy, I vaguely remember him but I might be confusing him with someone I knew later in life), however, when our school trip arrived he was unable to join our class due to his mother being paranoid that he might get hurt or sick. It was because of his absence that our friendship grew. In fact, when we got back to school his family invited me to join them at the Long Beach Grand Prix (it’s a massive street circuit motor race that was held a few cities over from where we lived), which was their annual family tradition. This was huge for me as I had never been invited anywhere as well as having a “real” friend…

Well I take that back, I did have one “friend” in elementary school. His name was Christopher. I remember going over to his parent’s condo in Long Beach and playing an airplane simulator on his parent’s computer. In fact I still remember where they lived and I can picture their condo/house in my head. It was a tri-level, smashed in between two other tri-levels at the entrance of a residential neighborhood. There were trees in front of it, and their door faced out towards the main highway. Now the reason I put friend in quotations, was due to something that happened later on. We were close for the first few years of elementary school, however, in fourth grade he was invite to join the GATE (gifted and talented education) program. Unlike most schools, our’s segregated the GATE program from the rest of the school as they believed the progress of the gifted children would be hindered by the “normals.” In fact, the GATE program had portable classrooms that were completely isolated from the rest of the school and on top of that the GATE students would eat lunch at a different time then the rest of us.

End of Friendship

End of Friendship

At first Christopher was the same, we still hung out during recess and went to each other’s homes after school. However, as time went on he began to change. He became distant, arrogant, corrupted. I don’t know what happened, but one day we got into an argument, or maybe he taunted me, or maybe something was said, but all I remember is that I charged at him and pulled a Mike Tyson- I bit his hear and pulled a small chunk off (this was before the famous Mike Tyson fight). What happened afterwards is a bit hazy, I didn’t get suspended or even a detention, we just never talked again. And if we saw each other on the playground we walked the other way. This exemplifies how unstable I was as a child, as without thinking I partook in a violent act towards another human being, something that was not normal for me. I think I had already been diagnosed with ADD at that point and that’s why I got away without much punishment, but I’m not really certain. All I know is, that was a defining moment in my life as it would seem my “friendships” over the next decade would all be unstable, volatile and in a turn of karma extremely painful for me. This includes Robert.

My life is very disjointed, quite like this post. Everything that has happened to me has led from one painful moment to another, each growing in size until they all culminated in my psychiatric hospitalization. Most of my blog has been about the time after the hospitalization and how I have coped with my mental illness. What my goal for the next month is to pull back and examine my life prior to my hospitalization, so as to ascertain the root of my struggles and maybe gain a better understanding of myself in the process. I have no clue how this will proceed as my mood still changes rapidly, but I’m hoping to spend most of my posts examining my past (this will be very painful for me, as I have tried hard to forget a lot of my past and have spent a great deal of energy burying the memories, but I think it’s necessary for me to look at my past.  Plus some of you guys might find it interesting).

I hope you guys will join me as I venture through my past and who knows, maybe something amazing will happen. I also want to open up some of my posts to your guys questions, so if you have anything you specifically would like me to write about, or if you have a suggestion on what time period I should examine, please write a comment on this post.

Well that’s all for now. My eyes are dry and as usual I’m late for work.


Ps. Just to let you know, not every post will be about my past, most days I have no clue what I’m going to write as I formulate and structure everything while I type. I guess that’s one of my talents. I never had to create outlines while working on school papers as I was able to write a structured report in my first draft, I don’t know how it works, the words just seem to flow out of my head and through my hands as I type. It just happens, I guess subconsciously I’m drafting everything.

Domino Demands: Can I haz Ur Blog Post

As I’m sitting here falling asleep in front of my computer, I realized I hadn’t posted today. I don’t want to break my promise of writing everyday for 30 days, so this evening will be a fast post, I have no clue what it will be about, but rather a stream through my mind.

Today was a weird day, I saw my therapist for the first time in three weeks (she was on vacation) and the session was a bit stressful. Unfortunately, I got there late, which usually isnt somethasdflaksdjfal;sdjfl;aksdjf.

Hello humans, this is David’s son Domino, I just wanted to say hi to the world in my own style: 




Commanding his Troops

Commanding his Troops

Don't steal my towel!!

Don’t steal my towel!!

Why are you looking at me like that !?

Why are you looking at me like that !?

Bow Before Me!!

Bow Before Me!!



What are these infernal things doing on my back?

What are these infernal things doing on my back?

That's me before a few days before I met my daddy.

That’s me before a few days before I met my daddy.

(noises rumbling in the background, squeaky things everywhere and what’s this, a squishy ball? I must smell it, and I need to re-smell the entire area around said ball. I guess I can let the human have his blog back. Meow…)

Sorry everyone, well honestly I’m pooped. I think Domino and I are going to call it a night.

I hope you are all well :)

Dave and Domino.

Withdrawal Hell Consumes Me

Today started out so promising, but as the day wore on my withdrawals got worse. Now I’m just a pile of nerves looking for various things to do while I wait for the pain to go away or at least keep my mind off of the constant shivers, muscle spasms, odd tingly feeling, fever aches, nausea and just plain old despair. Whatever you do don’t go on Subutex (and if you do don’t stay on for very long, I’ve been on it for over two years and my body is a slave to it now) , although it helped me immensely, the withdrawals are a bitch. I’m not going to quit as it has kept me away from opiates and I’m afraid that once I go off I’ll go right back to using (and this is true, the subutex is the only thing keeping me from using oxy and heroin, there are times I just want to quit the subutex and go right back to using, but I have to catch myself and remember how bad it got which can be hard due to the opiates becoming a psychological crutch for me when dealing with society. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn’t deal with other people unless I was high, even today I really struggle with this), unfortunately I ran out a few days ago and I’m now in a living hell-maybe this is exactly what I wanted deep down, I tend to do things like this to myself, constantly sabotaging my progress, constantly putting myself through painful situations hoping that one day I crack. And when that happens the lights would truly go out. I just hope that day never comes.

Well that is all for now, I apologize for the short post, but I wanted to get on here and update everyone especially where I stated I’m going to write 30 days straight. I really want to make that goal as it would help greatly with my self-esteem and maybe prove to myself that I can accomplish whatever I want.

Thanks for the previous comments I will be continuing the story tomorrow, hopefully, as long as my mind is somewhat stable.

I hope you are all doing well,


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